DAILY SHOW: I Just Want Some Dracula Stationary, Man | The Rizzuto Comedy Podcast

Clownvis has discovered water, Lern is collecting cats like Pokémon, and somebody in Australia allegedly put snail poison in the office lunch. Happy Halloween, everybody.

Welcome back to The Rizzuto Show, the funny podcast where a grown man discovers hydration, the neighborhood cats have apparently elected Lern their landlord, and the crew spends an alarming amount of time debating whether diarrhea can be considered brutal.

It's Friday in St. Louis, sweater weather has officially arrived, and Clownvis is back in the studio!

After touring across America, Canada, and the Bahamas, the world's favorite Elvis-inspired clown returns wearing a leather jacket and bringing the kind of life-changing health advice nobody asked for. He's started drinking water. That's it. That's the breakthrough.

Clownvis explains that filling a giant cup with ice water has transformed his mornings, improved his skin, and made him feel younger than ever. Rizz, Moon, and Lern are understandably stunned that ordinary H2O has apparently become the hottest new wellness trend.

The conversation also takes a bizarre celebrity detour when Clownvis explains how a Cameo request from Maynard James Keenan of Tool and Puscifer led him to believe he was recording a birthday greeting for Matthew and Gunnar Nelson. Except the birthday boys weren't those Nelson twins. They were Matt and Gunner from Puscifer. Same first names. Completely different people. And Clownvis was already mentally preparing for a very strange musical crossover.

Then it's Global Cat Day, which means Lern gets to celebrate her favorite holiday by announcing that she's acquired yet another furry freeloader. Well, technically, she hasn't adopted him. She's just named him Trouble, started feeding him, and accepted that he now hangs around her house with Mr. Gray, Clover, and Willow. So, yes, she's acquired another cat. Rizz suggests an intervention. Moon imagines an underground feline fighting championship. Lern insists she can't turn away a hungry animal. At this point, her Ellisville home is less of a residence and more of a cat-operated all-inclusive resort.

And if the cats weren't enough, Rizz introduces the gang to beaver fever, a gastrointestinal parasite that can infect cats and potentially spread to humans. Naturally, a simple discussion about pet health becomes an extended debate over the difference between regular diarrhea, explosive diarrhea, and the apparently prestigious category of brutal diarrhea. The crew even invents what might be the world's worst death-metal double bill: Beaver Fever opening for Brutal Diarrhea. Somebody book the venue. Preferably one with excellent bathrooms.

Next up: Would you hand your car keys to a complete stranger? Lern thinks she can trust her instincts. Rizz thinks she's one friendly parking assistant away from filing an insurance claim. A story about a Florida woman whose vehicle was allegedly stolen after she allowed two strangers to charge their phones inside it sends the crew into a debate about kindness, common sense, and whether anyone can actually spot a convincing liar.

And then Halloween takes over. The gang debates the worst things to hand out to trick-or-treaters, and the results are a public service announcement for every neighborhood dentist. Toothbrushes? Absolutely not. Dental floss? Congratulations, you've ruined Halloween. Mini pretzels, raisins, bookmarks, pencils, sugar-free candy, and religious pamphlets? Please just turn off your porch light.

Lern somehow makes a passionate case for a really cool Dracula bookmark. Clownvis defends raisins as valuable candy-trading currency. And everybody becomes increasingly concerned about what Halloween has done to the price of a 100 Grand bar. Nearly four dollars for a candy bar? Forget the haunted houses. That's the real nightmare.

The crew also gets into the strange world of Halloween pumpkin colors, neighborhood decorations, giant skeletons, and whether spooky season has become too scary for kids.

Lern is thrilled with the oversized skeletons decorating her yard. Rizz is preparing for a Halloween party at Ballpark Village. And Clownvis is heading to the Bahamas for a metal cruise featuring Lamb of God and other heavy-hitting acts. Because when you think Halloween, naturally you think tropical vacation with a boat full of metalheads.

From there, things get even spookier as Rizz reveals a ranking of America's most haunted cities. St. Louis lands at number 38, prompting the gang to discuss local legends like the Lemp Mansion, Zombie Road, and McPike Mansion in Alton. Clownvis talks about visiting the Stanley Hotel, Lern dreams of more ghost tours, and everybody wonders why St. Louis isn't ranked higher on the paranormal leaderboard. Apparently our ghosts need better marketing.

The Halloween hypotheticals continue with an important question: Would you let a hungry vampire drink your blood if you knew you'd survive? Lern has one condition. The vampire needs to be hot. Of course.

Finally, the crew dives into a truly unsettling weird-news story from Western Australia, where a woman was accused of putting toxic snail pellets into a coworker's homemade curry. The discussion turns into a debate about office lunch thieves, revenge pranks, and why seeing suspicious bright-green granules in your food should probably discourage you from taking a taste. It's the kind of workplace drama that makes somebody stealing your cheese stick seem downright wholesome.

From Clownvis's hydration revelation and Lern's expanding cat collection to Halloween candy disasters, haunted St. Louis history, vampire dating standards, and a poisonous office lunch, The Rizzuto Show #41 delivers another spectacularly unhinged serving of daily comedy.

Just remember three things: Drink your water. Don't hand strangers your car keys. And if somebody puts neon-green sprinkles in your curry, maybe skip lunch.

Paul McCartney remembers being born, England has officially run short on hunks, and Teslas are apparently doing kickflips. Welcome to a Friday where reality has completely stopped supervising itself.

The crew talks a little music, a little charity, and the realization that Moon has been planning his upcoming Greek Fire concert like he's directing a Broadway production. The band is preparing to return to Delmar Hall with new music, a three-act theatrical show, and local opener Native Monster. Moon explains that the whole experience is designed to tell a story through the band's music, complete with different eras, carefully planned transitions, and what Lern insists on calling costume changes. Rizz is ready to enjoy the show. Lern is coming too. Clownvis will be hanging out. The only real question is whether Rizz can make it through Act Three without accidentally becoming part of the performance.

The crew also shouts out the local businesses supporting Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital through the show's October fundraiser, including the sponsors brave enough to put their names on everyone's hats. It's charitable giving with the added bonus of turning morning radio hosts into walking billboards.

Then Clownvis casually announces that he's seen videos of Teslas doing kickflips. Not driving over ramps. Not performing impressive parking maneuvers. Actual upside-down, rocket-thruster-assisted kickflips. Moon points out that the videos are AI, but Lern isn't quite ready to surrender the dream of a car that can skateboard better than most humans.

From there, we enter the deeply confusing world of Paul McCartney's earliest memory.

During an appearance on Amy Poehler's Good Hang podcast, the Beatles legend claimed to remember being born, including details about the delivery room and the difficult birth itself. Naturally, Rizz wants to know whether that's even possible.

Moon brings up the science of infantile amnesia and how memories can be reconstructed over time. Lern argues that human brains are complicated and maybe extraordinary people have extraordinary abilities. And Rizz shares his own earliest memory: getting bitten by a llama at the zoo. That's right. Paul McCartney remembers entering the world. Rizz remembers being attacked by a farm animal. Both men went on to accomplish great things, depending on how generously you define great. The conversation gets into false memories, people who claim to remember life in the womb, and whether childhood recollections are anything more than stories our brains keep rewriting.

Then it's time to talk about Grand Theft Auto 6, a game so anticipated that people are reportedly buying collectible boxes containing digital download codes instead of physical game discs. The crew discusses the game's rumored focus on modern financial struggles, including student loans, credit card debt, grocery prices, and the impossible dream of buying a house. Finally, a video game where you can escape the crushing stress of everyday life by experiencing the crushing stress of everyday life.

And if you thought that was depressing, wait until you hear about England's national hunk shortage. According to a story discussed on the show, the Mr. England pageant has been postponed because organizers couldn't find enough suitable contestants. They started with seven guys, managed to scrape together more candidates, lost a couple, and ultimately decided the nation needed additional time to locate some quality hunks. A whole country. Millions of people. Not enough hunks. Lern is concerned. Moon wants to investigate. Rizz can't believe this is a real conversation.

Somehow, the discussion leads to Hugh Grant's infamous scandal and a guessing game about the name Divine Brown, with the crew confidently offering alternatives that sound more like discontinued barbecue sauces.

And that's all before Crap on Celebrities.

Lern dives into the decades-long feud between Oasis and Phil Collins, including Noel Gallagher's legendary dislike of the former Genesis frontman and the possibility of an awkward Rock & Roll Hall of Fame encounter.

The gang also discusses Sammy Hagar's ongoing attempts to move past old Van Halen drama, Alex Van Halen's insults, and whether aging rock stars could maybe settle their differences before everybody needs a nap.

Meanwhile, Henry Winkler insists he doesn't exaggerate the size of the fish he catches, though he admits he's less reliable when discussing certain other measurements.

Carrot Top's reported return to his Las Vegas residency sparks a conversation about entertainers getting back onstage after serious health scares, while the crew also discusses a celebrity's difficult medical journey and remembers their late friend Jeff.

The movie chatter includes new releases, questionable box-office performances, Neil Young defending Digger, Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz returning to The Mummy universe, and John Goodman reflecting on films he wishes had turned out differently.

Then comes the musical argument nobody can resist: the greatest bands of all time. The crew examines a Consequence of Sound ranking that puts The Beatles at number one, Black Sabbath at number two, and The Velvet Underground at number three. Radiohead above The Rolling Stones? Led Zeppelin barely cracking the top ten? Rizz has questions. Moon has opinions. Lern has the list. Nobody is leaving this conversation satisfied.

The show wraps up with celebrity birthdays, the uncomfortable realization that everyone's musical heroes are getting older, and a preview of the Fake News or Florida contest, where contestants must decide whether an outrageous headline came from the Sunshine State or the crew's increasingly questionable imagination.

It's Rizz's birthday, Clownvis is back in town, and apparently the most terrifying thing a human being can receive is a text message containing three letters: HEY.

Rizz, Moon Valjean, Lern, and special guest Clownvis are back together, and somehow a perfectly normal Friday turns into a discussion about text-message etiquette, exotic animals as currency, frozen food as a weapon, and why nobody should ever trust a clown and a rock singer to make important decisions.

First, happy birthday, Rizz! The gang kicks things off with football picks, a little Fast Lane rivalry, and a visit from Clownvis, who's been traveling all over the place and has absolutely no intention of slowing down.

Clownvis previews his upcoming tour dates, including shows with Mac Sabbath, stops through Texas and the South, Florida performances, and a Halloween weekend cruise with Lamb of God. Because when you're an Elvis-inspired clown, apparently the natural next step is spending Halloween on a boat full of metal fans.

Then the crew checks the calendar and discovers that it's National Boss's Day, National Dictionary Day, National Liquor Day, and Global Cat Day. Naturally, Lern suggests giving the boss one of her spare cats. Possibly one with a parasite.

Happy Boss's Day, Tommy. Hope you've updated your vaccinations. But the real workplace emergency comes when Rizz introduces everyone to the horrifying phenomenon known as “hey hanging.” You know exactly what we're talking about. Your phone buzzes. It's your boss. The message says: “Hey.” That's it. No question. No explanation. No follow-up. Just three innocent letters that immediately convince you you're getting fired, accidentally insulted someone on the air, or somehow destroyed the entire company.

Rizz wants this practice outlawed immediately. Moon understands the panic. Lern, however, admits she's guilty of doing it herself—especially when texting her husband. And apparently, depending on the situation, one of Lern's mysterious “hey” messages might lead to something considerably more interesting than a meeting with management. The crew debates whether texts need polite introductions, whether getting straight to the point is rude, and why “Hey, do you have a moment to talk?” might actually be worse than the original crime. The conclusion? STOP HEY HANGING PEOPLE. Unless you're Lern. Apparently she's not stopping.

Then it's time for the main event: Fake News or Florida!

Listeners call in for a chance to win tickets to Nickelback, AEW Dynamite and Collision, and Ludo's Halloween shows. All they have to do is decide whether an absolutely ridiculous headline really came from Florida or was invented by the show. Sounds easy, right? Unfortunately, this is Florida. A man trying to buy a margarita with a live horseshoe crab? A beachgoer throwing a hot dog at a police officer? A stolen tractor being used to get to a job interview? A woman calling 911 because her iced coffee wasn't sweet enough? At a certain point, the fake stories start sounding reasonable, and the real stories sound like somebody wrote them after losing a bet. To help the contestants, Moon and Clownvis combine their alleged expertise into a single trivia lifeline called Moonvis. Or Movis. Or Clune. Nobody can agree on the name, which is probably a warning sign about the quality of advice they're about to provide. The duo debates whether a Florida man would really fight a wooden pirate statue, whether vintage Pokémon cards could cover college tuition, and whether somebody could reasonably use a box of crab legs as a weapon during an argument about television.

Meanwhile, Rizz discovers that the phrase “too ridiculous to be real” has absolutely no meaning when Florida is involved. The headlines just keep getting stranger. There's a motorized couch on a public highway, a stolen forklift headed to a liquor store, a man allegedly calling the police to complain about the quality of his illegal drugs, and somebody supposedly trying to travel to Cuba on an inflatable flamingo. And yes, the flamingo story is presented as real in the game. Which raises several important questions, starting with: Was it the same flamingo every time?

One contestant calls while working, another disappears before answering a question, and poor Ricky gets a second chance to prove he can tell the difference between Florida crime and pure nonsense.

The crew also tackles a macaw supposedly ordering a $5,000 leather jacket, a frozen waffle assault, an iguana hidden in a popcorn tub, and a stolen riding lawnmower getaway involving a tuxedo. At this point, we're not playing trivia anymore. We're conducting a psychological experiment on the entire state of Florida.

The lifeline gets especially dangerous when Moon and Clownvis try to determine whether a man used a leaf blower to launch hot peppers at a neighbor's dog. Their disagreements become so ridiculous that they resort to rock-paper-scissors to settle the answer. That's right. People are trusting these two with their prize-winning decisions. And somehow, that still isn't the worst judgment call of the morning.

From there, the game spirals into ambulance theft, mysterious hot chili in traffic, and the realization that even the show's self-appointed Florida experts might not understand Florida.

Along the way, the gang finds time to discuss horseshoe crab blood, whether 50 different pizza toppings are even possible, and why calling the police to review your illegal purchases is a spectacularly bad idea. All of this while Clownvis is trying to maintain his dignity. A battle he lost approximately five minutes after arriving.

It's birthday chaos, radio contests, strange headlines, cat jokes, workplace texting nightmares, and enough questionable Florida decisions to fill an entire police blotter.

This funny podcast brings together everything you love about The Rizzuto Show: weird news, sarcastic humor, listener games, ridiculous conversations, and the kind of St. Louis morning-show energy that makes you feel significantly better about your own decision-making skills.

And remember: If you're texting your boss, get to the point. If you're trading for a margarita, maybe leave the horseshoe crab at home. And if Moonvis tells you a Florida headline is fake, you might want a second opinion.

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