Rafe Williams went surfing during great white shark season, a St. Louis jail escape turned into a real-life action movie, and Lern has officially declared war on ziplining. Somehow, those aren't even the weirdest things happening in Missouri.
Welcome back to The Rizzuto Show, the funny podcast where local news, bizarre stories, horror movies, and questionable vacation decisions collide in one gloriously chaotic morning. Rizz, Moon Valjean, Lern, Rafe Williams, and King Scott are tackling everything from shark-infested waters to St. Louis stereotypes, proving once again that this city has plenty of personality. Some of it probably needs professional supervision.
Moon is back from San Diego, Dallas, and Phoenix, and the crew immediately starts debating whether San Diego might be the closest thing America has to paradise. Perfect weather, beautiful beaches, and the possibility of never wanting to return to Missouri? Sounds suspiciously appealing.
But Rafe has a warning for anybody planning to learn how to surf there.
He once spent Christmas vacation flailing around on a surfboard in San Diego, only to discover halfway through that it was great white shark season. His friend conveniently forgot to mention that detail until Rafe was already in the ocean, dressed in a wetsuit and looking like a confused sea lion.
Did he stand up on the board? Absolutely not.
Did he see a shark? Thankfully, no.
Did he spend most of the experience trying not to drown? You bet.
And now Lern is considering surfing during her own upcoming San Diego Christmas trip. What could possibly go wrong?
Back home, the gang dives into a serious St. Louis news story involving an escape from the City Justice Center. According to the report discussed on the show, a detainee allegedly climbed into a ceiling crawl space, traveled through the building's ventilation infrastructure, and exited through a door whose alarm failed to activate.
The escape triggered a manhunt, and the suspect was eventually apprehended roughly 12 miles away in Affton. The crew discusses the multiple reported security failures, the questions surrounding how he traveled so far, and the public-safety officials who acknowledged the breakdown.
Then the story takes an unexpected turn when a listener calls in with his own jail escape experience from decades earlier.
Matthew says he once climbed through ductwork after getting arrested following a fight at a county fair. His escape attempt included crawling through the ceiling, retrieving his shoes, running through a police station, and accidentally choosing a restroom door instead of the exit.
Spoiler alert: He didn't make it out.
But he did eventually marry the girlfriend involved in the original incident, which might be the most chaotic love story we've heard all week.
The show also addresses the heartbreaking fatal shooting of 17-year-old Alyssa Wilson on Interstate 170 and the subsequent arrests reported by investigators. It's a sobering conversation about public safety, a young life lost, and the devastating impact on a St. Louis family and community.
And just when everybody needs a less disturbing local headline, Gus's World Famous Fried Chicken enters the conversation.
Unfortunately, not because somebody invented a delicious new side dish.
The crew discusses allegations that a restaurant employee in Maplewood threatened to burn down the business, cut the power, and poured peanut oil across the floor while coworkers were inside. Employees reportedly escaped safely, and the suspect was arrested.
It's a genuinely frightening situation, but naturally, King Scott still finds a way to contribute a terrible peanut-oil nickname.
Because apparently the microphone comes with absolutely no quality control.
Then the gang asks a terrifying question: Which horror movie villain would you least want to fight in real life?
Rizz makes the case for Pennywise, the nightmare-inducing shapeshifter from IT, while Moon fears Freddy Krueger because nobody wants to fight a supernatural murderer in a dream where your punches move like you're underwater.
The Xenomorph from Alien enters the debate thanks to its acid blood and extremely unpleasant reproductive habits. Lern brings up the possessed mother from Hereditary, while the crew considers Michael Myers, Leatherface, Art the Clown, Pinhead, and Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men.
The discussion somehow becomes a detailed comparison of immortal killers, demonic possessions, nightmare physics, and whether you could simply avoid the entire problem by refusing to go into space.
Honestly, that's a pretty solid survival strategy.
Meanwhile, St. Louis may be losing another outdoor attraction.
The crew discusses the uncertain future of the Go Ape ropes and zipline course at Creve Coeur Park, along with the closure of another local adventure facility. Are St. Louis residents not adventurous enough? Are these attractions too expensive? Or does nobody know they exist because their advertising consists of a sign nailed to a tree?
Lern has a different explanation.
She hates ziplining.
Not because she's afraid of heights. Not because she doesn't enjoy adventure. But because multiple ziplining experiences have somehow become associated with severe gastrointestinal emergencies.
Yes, Lern has managed to turn an outdoor adventure discussion into another story about diarrhea.
At this point, it's practically a show tradition.
That leads into the Great St. Louis Debate, where Rizz asks artificial intelligence to describe the stereotypes associated with Missouri, St. Louis, and Southern Illinois.
Are Missourians excessively polite? Are we Midwestern or Southern? Do we really spend our weekends hunting, talking to strangers, and explaining where we went to high school? And why does every conversation about Missouri eventually involve barbecue, the Ozarks, or somebody getting offended by a stereotype?
The crew puts local identity under the microscope, with plenty of sarcastic humor and some surprisingly accurate observations about life in the Midwest.
It's St. Louis comedy, strange local headlines, terrifying movie monsters, vacation disasters, and the kind of daily humor that makes this funny podcast a questionable but highly entertaining part of your morning routine.
So grab your coffee, lock your doors, stay out of the shark-infested water, and maybe skip the zipline if Lern is giving travel advice.
Join The Rizzuto Show for another episode of this funny podcast, where even a simple conversation about San Diego can somehow end with escaped inmates, haunted dreams, and a full-scale debate about what's wrong with St. Louis.
And if somebody invites you surfing during great white season, maybe ask a few follow-up questions before putting on the wetsuit.
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