It's Rizz's birthday, Clownvis is back in town, and apparently the most terrifying thing a human being can receive is a text message containing three letters: HEY.
Welcome to another wonderfully unhinged episode of The Rizzuto Show, the funny podcast where St. Louis morning radio meets Florida's finest questionable decisions, workplace anxiety, and the kind of trivia game that should probably require a waiver.
Rizz, Moon Valjean, Lern, and special guest Clownvis are back together, and somehow a perfectly normal Friday turns into a discussion about text-message etiquette, exotic animals as currency, frozen food as a weapon, and why nobody should ever trust a clown and a rock singer to make important decisions.
First, happy birthday, Rizz!
The gang kicks things off with football picks, a little Fast Lane rivalry, and a visit from Clownvis, who's been traveling all over the place and has absolutely no intention of slowing down.
Clownvis previews his upcoming tour dates, including shows with Mac Sabbath, stops through Texas and the South, Florida performances, and a Halloween weekend cruise with Lamb of God.
Because when you're an Elvis-inspired clown, apparently the natural next step is spending Halloween on a boat full of metal fans.
Then the crew checks the calendar and discovers that it's National Boss's Day, National Dictionary Day, National Liquor Day, and Global Cat Day.
Naturally, Lern suggests giving the boss one of her spare cats.
Possibly one with a parasite.
Happy Boss's Day, Tommy. Hope you've updated your vaccinations.
But the real workplace emergency comes when Rizz introduces everyone to the horrifying phenomenon known as “hey hanging.”
You know exactly what we're talking about.
Your phone buzzes.
It's your boss.
The message says:
“Hey.”
That's it.
No question. No explanation. No follow-up.
Just three innocent letters that immediately convince you you're getting fired, accidentally insulted someone on the air, or somehow destroyed the entire company.
Rizz wants this practice outlawed immediately. Moon understands the panic. Lern, however, admits she's guilty of doing it herself—especially when texting her husband.
And apparently, depending on the situation, one of Lern's mysterious “hey” messages might lead to something considerably more interesting than a meeting with management.
The crew debates whether texts need polite introductions, whether getting straight to the point is rude, and why “Hey, do you have a moment to talk?” might actually be worse than the original crime.
The conclusion? STOP HEY HANGING PEOPLE.
Unless you're Lern. Apparently she's not stopping.
Then it's time for the main event: Fake News or Florida!
Listeners call in for a chance to win tickets to Nickelback, AEW Dynamite and Collision, and Ludo's Halloween shows. All they have to do is decide whether an absolutely ridiculous headline really came from Florida or was invented by the show.
Sounds easy, right?
Unfortunately, this is Florida.
A man trying to buy a margarita with a live horseshoe crab?
A beachgoer throwing a hot dog at a police officer?
A stolen tractor being used to get to a job interview?
A woman calling 911 because her iced coffee wasn't sweet enough?
At a certain point, the fake stories start sounding reasonable, and the real stories sound like somebody wrote them after losing a bet.
To help the contestants, Moon and Clownvis combine their alleged expertise into a single trivia lifeline called Moonvis.
Or Movis.
Or Clune.
Nobody can agree on the name, which is probably a warning sign about the quality of advice they're about to provide.
The duo debates whether a Florida man would really fight a wooden pirate statue, whether vintage Pokémon cards could cover college tuition, and whether somebody could reasonably use a box of crab legs as a weapon during an argument about television.
Meanwhile, Rizz discovers that the phrase “too ridiculous to be real” has absolutely no meaning when Florida is involved.
The headlines just keep getting stranger.
There's a motorized couch on a public highway, a stolen forklift headed to a liquor store, a man allegedly calling the police to complain about the quality of his illegal drugs, and somebody supposedly trying to travel to Cuba on an inflatable flamingo.
And yes, the flamingo story is presented as real in the game.
Which raises several important questions, starting with: Was it the same flamingo every time?
One contestant calls while working, another disappears before answering a question, and poor Ricky gets a second chance to prove he can tell the difference between Florida crime and pure nonsense.
The crew also tackles a macaw supposedly ordering a $5,000 leather jacket, a frozen waffle assault, an iguana hidden in a popcorn tub, and a stolen riding lawnmower getaway involving a tuxedo.
At this point, we're not playing trivia anymore.
We're conducting a psychological experiment on the entire state of Florida.
The lifeline gets especially dangerous when Moon and Clownvis try to determine whether a man used a leaf blower to launch hot peppers at a neighbor's dog. Their disagreements become so ridiculous that they resort to rock-paper-scissors to settle the answer.
That's right.
People are trusting these two with their prize-winning decisions.
And somehow, that still isn't the worst judgment call of the morning.
From there, the game spirals into ambulance theft, mysterious hot chili in traffic, and the realization that even the show's self-appointed Florida experts might not understand Florida.
Along the way, the gang finds time to discuss horseshoe crab blood, whether 50 different pizza toppings are even possible, and why calling the police to review your illegal purchases is a spectacularly bad idea.
All of this while Clownvis is trying to maintain his dignity.
A battle he lost approximately five minutes after arriving.
It's birthday chaos, radio contests, strange headlines, cat jokes, workplace texting nightmares, and enough questionable Florida decisions to fill an entire police blotter.
This funny podcast brings together everything you love about The Rizzuto Show: weird news, sarcastic humor, listener games, ridiculous conversations, and the kind of St. Louis morning-show energy that makes you feel significantly better about your own decision-making skills.
Join Rizz, Moon, Lern, and Clownvis for another episode of this funny podcast where the questions are fake, the Florida stories might be real, and the lifeline is somehow less reliable than guessing.
And remember:
If you're texting your boss, get to the point.
If you're trading for a margarita, maybe leave the horseshoe crab at home.
And if Moonvis tells you a Florida headline is fake, you might want a second opinion.
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