Lern can't find Delaware, Rafe forgot Alabama existed, somebody in Missouri is selling a coffin buffet, and a 1983 Chrysler LeBaron might be the most emotionally available vehicle ever manufactured. Welcome to The Rizzuto Show, where the education system has officially requested a refund.
It's another spectacularly questionable morning on The Rizzuto Show, the funny podcast where St. Louis comedy, weird Facebook Marketplace listings, terrible geography skills, and vintage automotive technology come together to prove that adulthood is mostly just pretending you remember things from fifth grade.
Rizz, Moon Valjean, Lern, Rafe Williams, and King Scott are back with a daily dose of sarcastic humor, ridiculous discoveries, and the kind of friendly workplace humiliation that probably wouldn't survive a corporate team-building seminar.
And today, it all begins with a blank map of the United States.
Sounds harmless, right?
Wrong.
THE GREAT AMERICAN GEOGRAPHY DISASTER
Somebody decided the crew should try filling in all 50 states on a blank map, and within minutes, the studio became a living argument against standardized testing.
Rizz and Moon apparently knocked out the entire country in under three minutes with perfect scores. Naturally, they celebrated by wandering around correcting everybody else's work like two insufferable fifth-grade honor students.
Meanwhile, Lern was experiencing a geographical crisis.
Delaware? Possibly somewhere near Montana.
Wyoming? Missing in action.
Nebraska? Apparently farther north than expected.
And New England? Just a confusing collection of tiny states that nobody wants to deal with before breakfast.
Rafe wasn't doing much better. He knew Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia were somewhere near each other, but determining the actual order was becoming a full-blown investigation.
At one point, he admitted he'd temporarily forgotten Alabama existed.
That's not a geography mistake. That's an entire state being deleted from your mental hard drive.
The crew debates the locations of Connecticut, Rhode Island, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Delaware while Moon attempts to explain the map without completely losing his patience.
Spoiler alert: Nobody leaves this exercise feeling particularly intelligent.
If you've ever looked at a blank map and suddenly questioned everything you learned in elementary school, congratulations. You're qualified to join the show.
FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE: THE PRICE IS WRONG, PROBABLY
Once the geography disaster finally ends, the gang moves on to something much more educational: guessing the prices of absolute nonsense being sold by strangers on Facebook Marketplace.
Rafe Williams takes over as the show's deeply suspicious auctioneer for another round of Facebook Marketplace Price Is Right, where listeners team up with Rizz Show members and try to win concert tickets by correctly estimating the asking prices of local listings.
The rules are simple: Get as close as possible without going over.
The merchandise? Anything but simple.
First up is a handmade Halloween decoration from Curryville, Missouri, described as a surprise pumpkin ghost.
Sounds adorable.
Until you lift the little ghost covering and discover a crocheted anatomical surprise.
That's right. Somebody made a festive pumpkin-themed private part, listed it online, and apparently found enough customers to start taking back orders.
The asking price? $25.
King Scott wins the round, because apparently knowing the market value of handmade Halloween anatomy is one of his hidden talents.
Next comes a terrifying dental training model from the Dittmer area, complete with a silicone mouth full of disturbingly crooked teeth.
It's the sort of object you'd expect to find in a dentist's office, a horror movie, or the basement of somebody who insists they're completely normal.
Moon suspects it could be expensive.
He's right.
The asking price is $150, and Moon takes the victory.
Who knew creepy practice teeth were such a valuable commodity?
Then the gang encounters a 3D-printed Gremlin skeleton being sold in Wentzville, Missouri.
The listing claims it's three feet tall, although the crew spends an impressive amount of time arguing over whether the photograph actually supports that measurement.
Is it three feet? Thirty inches? Three inches? Is the couch enormous?
Nobody knows, but everybody has an opinion.
The gang debates the value of 3D printing, the questionable business decisions of Marketplace sellers, and whether anyone actually wants a Gremlin skeleton in their living room.
The price turns out to be just $30, making it a surprisingly affordable way to terrify houseguests.
King Scott wins again.
Then there's a vintage 1999 Bad Taste Bears magnet named Willie.
It's a teddy bear wearing a trench coat.
Unfortunately, the trench coat is open.
Very open.
Somebody apparently kept this charming little collectible in a bar for years before deciding the world deserved another chance to own it.
The asking price? $25.
That's a lot of money for a refrigerator magnet that should probably come with a warning from Human Resources.
THE CASKET BUFFET NOBODY REQUESTED
Just when you think Facebook Marketplace can't possibly get more bizarre, Rafe unveils the crown jewel of questionable party planning.
A full-size casket from Moscow Mills, Missouri.
But this isn't just any casket.
Somebody has repurposed it into a buffet table, complete with serving trays.
Because apparently the missing ingredient at your next Halloween party is the sensation of eating potato salad out of a coffin.
The gang immediately revisits an old discussion about funeral nachos and starts imagining the catering possibilities.
A coffin full of nachos?
A final resting place for mostaccioli?
A six-foot-long buffet of questionable life choices?
The seller originally wanted $400 but dropped the asking price to $250 for a Halloween special.
King Scott nails the closest bid without going over, continuing his deeply concerning dominance in the marketplace of things nobody should reasonably own.
Seriously, how does this man know what a used coffin buffet costs?
And should we be asking follow-up questions?
THE TALKING CHRYSLER LEBARON SHOWDOWN
For the grand finale, Rafe brings out something genuinely fascinating.
A 1983 Chrysler LeBaron Mark Cross Edition convertible listed around Columbia and Dupo, Illinois.
It's got wood-grain styling, leather seats, new tires, a cracked windshield, leaking power steering, questionable shocks, and a feature that absolutely steals the show.
The car talks.
Or at least, it used to.
The LeBaron originally featured an electronic voice-alert system that could interrupt the radio to tell drivers about low fuel, oil pressure, seat belts, and other vehicle warnings.
Imagine driving down the highway while your car speaks to you in the stern, disappointed voice of a father who just saw your report card.
The gang digs into the technology, listens to examples of vintage talking-car alerts, and immediately starts imagining what else the LeBaron might say if somebody reprogrammed it.
Naturally, the conversation becomes wildly inappropriate for an automotive history lesson.
The original talking feature on this particular car no longer works, but the crew still debates whether its collectible appeal makes up for the mechanical problems.
Moon guesses $3,300.
King Scott goes with $2,500.
The other bids fall considerably lower.
The actual asking price?
$3,800.
Moon wins, proving that sometimes the secret to Facebook Marketplace success is understanding that an old car with a broken windshield and a dead voice system can still be priced like a beloved family heirloom.
Would anybody actually pay that much?
That's another question entirely.
ST. LOUIS COMEDY, TERRIBLE MAPS & BEAUTIFULLY BAD SHOPPING DECISIONS
This episode is packed with the kind of weird news, funny stories, local discoveries, and sarcastic commentary that make The Rizzuto Show a uniquely chaotic morning radio experience.
From Lern's battle with Delaware to Rafe's Halloween-themed Marketplace finds, from King Scott's uncanny pricing instincts to Moon's surprising knowledge of vintage convertibles, every segment proves that you never know what you're going to learn on this show.
Sometimes it's the location of Rhode Island.
Sometimes it's the going rate for a crocheted pumpkin surprise.
And sometimes it's the horrifying realization that somebody out there has turned a coffin into a catering business opportunity.
Whether you're listening from St. Louis, Southern Illinois, or anywhere else that appreciates a little daily comedy with absolutely no educational standards, this funny podcast delivers the laughs, the arguments, and the wonderfully unnecessary details you didn't know your morning needed.
So grab your coffee, refresh your knowledge of the 50 states, and maybe reconsider whatever you're about to purchase on Facebook Marketplace.
Because somewhere out there, somebody is selling a talking Chrysler LeBaron for $3,800.
And somebody else is serving dinner out of a coffin.
Join Rizz and the gang for another episode of the funny podcast where the prices are ridiculous, the geography is worse, and the only thing more confused than the crew is the audience trying to figure out why they're still listening.
See you tomorrow.
Assuming we can find Missouri on the map.
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