Clownvis has discovered water, Lern is collecting cats like Pokémon, and somebody in Australia allegedly put snail poison in the office lunch. Happy Halloween, everybody.
Welcome back to The Rizzuto Show, the funny podcast where a grown man discovers hydration, the neighborhood cats have apparently elected Lern their landlord, and the crew spends an alarming amount of time debating whether diarrhea can be considered brutal.
It's Friday in St. Louis, sweater weather has officially arrived, and Clownvis is back in the studio!
After touring across America, Canada, and the Bahamas, the world's favorite Elvis-inspired clown returns wearing a leather jacket and bringing the kind of life-changing health advice nobody asked for.
He's started drinking water.
That's it. That's the breakthrough.
Clownvis explains that filling a giant cup with ice water has transformed his mornings, improved his skin, and made him feel younger than ever. Rizz, Moon, and Lern are understandably stunned that ordinary H2O has apparently become the hottest new wellness trend.
The conversation also takes a bizarre celebrity detour when Clownvis explains how a Cameo request from Maynard James Keenan of Tool and Puscifer led him to believe he was recording a birthday greeting for Matthew and Gunnar Nelson.
Except the birthday boys weren't those Nelson twins.
They were Matt and Gunner from Puscifer.
Same first names. Completely different people. And Clownvis was already mentally preparing for a very strange musical crossover.
Then it's Global Cat Day, which means Lern gets to celebrate her favorite holiday by announcing that she's acquired yet another furry freeloader.
Well, technically, she hasn't adopted him.
She's just named him Trouble, started feeding him, and accepted that he now hangs around her house with Mr. Gray, Clover, and Willow.
So, yes, she's acquired another cat.
Rizz suggests an intervention. Moon imagines an underground feline fighting championship. Lern insists she can't turn away a hungry animal.
At this point, her Ellisville home is less of a residence and more of a cat-operated all-inclusive resort.
And if the cats weren't enough, Rizz introduces the gang to beaver fever, a gastrointestinal parasite that can infect cats and potentially spread to humans.
Naturally, a simple discussion about pet health becomes an extended debate over the difference between regular diarrhea, explosive diarrhea, and the apparently prestigious category of brutal diarrhea.
The crew even invents what might be the world's worst death-metal double bill: Beaver Fever opening for Brutal Diarrhea.
Somebody book the venue. Preferably one with excellent bathrooms.
Next up: Would you hand your car keys to a complete stranger?
Lern thinks she can trust her instincts. Rizz thinks she's one friendly parking assistant away from filing an insurance claim.
A story about a Florida woman whose vehicle was allegedly stolen after she allowed two strangers to charge their phones inside it sends the crew into a debate about kindness, common sense, and whether anyone can actually spot a convincing liar.
And then Halloween takes over.
The gang debates the worst things to hand out to trick-or-treaters, and the results are a public service announcement for every neighborhood dentist.
Toothbrushes? Absolutely not.
Dental floss? Congratulations, you've ruined Halloween.
Mini pretzels, raisins, bookmarks, pencils, sugar-free candy, and religious pamphlets? Please just turn off your porch light.
Lern somehow makes a passionate case for a really cool Dracula bookmark. Clownvis defends raisins as valuable candy-trading currency. And everybody becomes increasingly concerned about what Halloween has done to the price of a 100 Grand bar.
Nearly four dollars for a candy bar?
Forget the haunted houses. That's the real nightmare.
The crew also gets into the strange world of Halloween pumpkin colors, neighborhood decorations, giant skeletons, and whether spooky season has become too scary for kids.
Lern is thrilled with the oversized skeletons decorating her yard. Rizz is preparing for a Halloween party at Ballpark Village. And Clownvis is heading to the Bahamas for a metal cruise featuring Lamb of God and other heavy-hitting acts.
Because when you think Halloween, naturally you think tropical vacation with a boat full of metalheads.
From there, things get even spookier as Rizz reveals a ranking of America's most haunted cities.
St. Louis lands at number 38, prompting the gang to discuss local legends like the Lemp Mansion, Zombie Road, and McPike Mansion in Alton.
Clownvis talks about visiting the Stanley Hotel, Lern dreams of more ghost tours, and everybody wonders why St. Louis isn't ranked higher on the paranormal leaderboard.
Apparently our ghosts need better marketing.
The Halloween hypotheticals continue with an important question: Would you let a hungry vampire drink your blood if you knew you'd survive?
Lern has one condition.
The vampire needs to be hot.
Of course.
Finally, the crew dives into a truly unsettling weird-news story from Western Australia, where a woman was accused of putting toxic snail pellets into a coworker's homemade curry.
The discussion turns into a debate about office lunch thieves, revenge pranks, and why seeing suspicious bright-green granules in your food should probably discourage you from taking a taste.
It's the kind of workplace drama that makes somebody stealing your cheese stick seem downright wholesome.
From Clownvis's hydration revelation and Lern's expanding cat collection to Halloween candy disasters, haunted St. Louis history, vampire dating standards, and a poisonous office lunch, The Rizzuto Show #41 delivers another spectacularly unhinged serving of daily comedy.
This funny podcast has everything: weird news, local St. Louis humor, celebrity stories, spooky debates, and enough cat-related gastrointestinal concerns to make everyone reconsider their morning routine.
Listen to this funny podcast with Rizz, Moon, Lern, and special guest Clownvis.
Just remember three things:
Drink your water.
Don't hand strangers your car keys.
And if somebody puts neon-green sprinkles in your curry, maybe skip lunch.
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