A Red Baron pizza worker reaches his breaking point, a murder suspect tries to trade a guilty plea for a Philly cheesesteak, and King Scott is dressed like a piece of lettuce. Somehow, that's still not the weirdest food-related news of the day.
Welcome to another episode of The Rizzuto Show, where viral internet pranks are officially out of control, fast-food drive-thrus are being timed like Olympic events, and the American justice system apparently needs a policy about sandwiches.
With Lern off to Chicago, Rizz, Moon Valjean, Rafe Williams, and King Scott are holding down the fort. And by holding down the fort, we mean arguing about frozen pizza, questionable beverages, and whether somebody should be allowed to negotiate a life sentence with lunch.
It's another funny podcast loaded with weird news, St. Louis stories, sarcastic humor, and the kind of conversations that make you wonder how this crew has survived morning radio for so long.
First up: the viral Red Baron worker meltdown that has the internet taking sides.
A Red Baron employee named Walt is simply trying to stock frozen pizzas at a grocery store in Michigan when a group of teenage pranksters decides his workday needs more suffering.
Their brilliant comedy masterpiece? Ask Walt for the time, play a fake Apple Pay transaction sound, and pretend they've stolen money from his phone.
Groundbreaking material, gentlemen. Truly the future of entertainment.
Walt initially tries to walk away, but the prank continues until he finally unloads about his exhausting work schedule, his four kids, his mortgage, and the fact that he was supposed to be home an hour earlier.
Suddenly, the video stops being funny and starts feeling like the entire American workforce just found its spokesperson.
Rizz, Moon, and Rafe break down the confrontation, debate how far internet pranksters should be allowed to push strangers, and celebrate the reported response from viewers: a fundraiser that the show says had already collected more than $335,000 for Walt.
Red Baron even gets in on the moment, and the crew decides that Walt deserves a promotion, a vacation, and possibly his own Breaking Bad spinoff.
"I am the one who stocks."
Of course, the discussion takes a darker turn when the guys revisit the 2023 Virginia mall prank that ended with a YouTuber being shot. It raises a serious question underneath all the jokes: when did harassing strangers for clicks become an entire career path?
And because apparently one food-related story isn't enough, the show introduces a Florida murder suspect who tried to negotiate a guilty plea in exchange for a Philly cheesesteak, fries, and a 20-ounce Pepsi.
Not a reduced sentence.
Not a better cell.
A sandwich.
The suspect, Robert Kessler, was facing a murder charge when he reportedly offered to accept life in prison if someone would provide the very specific meal.
The judge, understandably, explained that criminal pleas cannot be negotiated through the deli counter.
Rizz thinks the deal sounds pretty straightforward. Moon is more concerned that the man didn't specify which cheesesteak restaurant should provide the sandwich. Rafe wonders whether the whole performance is an attempt to appear unfit for trial.
And somehow the conversation ends up comparing cheesesteaks from Philadelphia, Florida, Penn Station, and the mall food court.
A reminder that the crew can turn even the most serious courtroom story into a debate about lunch without ever pretending the underlying crime isn't awful.
Meanwhile, King Scott's NFL Pick'em Mascot Week continues.
After surviving the sweaty Sweetmeat pig and an enormous Dracula-themed toasted ravioli, Scott gets a fresh selection of costumes courtesy of Crushed Red.
Today's options include lettuce, avocado, and pizza.
The gang starts with lettuce, naturally, because nothing says professional radio producer like dressing as the garnish nobody ordered.
They also decide he might as well wear all three costumes throughout the show, turning his punishment into a three-course meal.
Somewhere in St. Louis, a salad is missing its employee.
The crew also takes a serious look at America's fastest and slowest fast-food drive-thrus, which is apparently the kind of research we need in our lives.
According to the ranking discussed on the show, Taco Bell comes in first for total drive-thru speed, with KFC close behind.
McDonald's falls near the bottom despite strong order accuracy, while Chick-fil-A has the longest total wait but moves customers quickly on a per-car basis.
Dunkin' gets called out for its friendliness ranking, Arby's unexpectedly performs well, and Moon takes the opportunity to explain why he believes Arby's roast beef is basically a science experiment.
Rizz counters with the existence of the Beef 'n Cheddar.
Rafe weighs in on frozen pizza economics.
And before long, the entire segment becomes a passionate discussion of which fast-food restaurants deserve your money and which ones should be forced to apologize directly to your stomach.
This funny podcast also takes a detour into the changing world of beer.
Anheuser-Busch's latest results spark a discussion about the rise of nonalcoholic beer, including Busch NA, Michelob Ultra Zero, Guinness 0, and Athletic Brewing.
Moon shares his fascination with St. Louis brewing history, Rafe remembers a local nonalcoholic beer company, and Rizz looks at polling suggesting fewer Americans are drinking alcohol than in previous decades.
The conversation eventually wanders into classic beer commercials, Spuds MacKenzie, and the glorious era when apparently every advertising executive believed a talking animal could sell absolutely anything.
Then there's Mountain Dew's newest bright-pink Baja Blast variation, which sends the guys down another rabbit hole about neon-colored beverages, the number of Mountain Dew flavors in existence, and Rafe's theory that Mountain Dew is basically the unofficial fuel of the United States military.
Moon is not particularly enthusiastic about drinking something that looks like it could illuminate a basement.
Rizz is just trying to figure out how many flavors one soda company needs before somebody finally says, "You know what? We might have enough."
On the local news front, the show also discusses a heartbreaking update in the killing of St. Louis-area teenager Alyssa Wilson, including new details presented by investigators and the charges against two suspects. The crew sets the jokes aside to acknowledge the tragedy and the devastating circumstances surrounding her death.
That's the thing about a daily morning show: sometimes the news is ridiculous, sometimes it's genuinely upsetting, and sometimes both show up before you've finished your coffee.
Between the viral Red Baron confrontation, a courtroom cheesesteak proposal, Scott's increasingly humiliating mascot wardrobe, nonalcoholic beer, Mountain Dew madness, and the drive-thru rankings nobody knew they needed, this funny podcast delivers another gloriously unpredictable dose of St. Louis comedy talk.
Hit play, leave hardworking grocery store employees alone, double-check your fast-food order, and remember: if you're going to negotiate with a judge using a cheesesteak, at least have the decency to specify where it's coming from.
And somebody get King Scott out of the lettuce.
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