A grown man dressed as a vampire toasted ravioli, childhood toys that probably should've come with a lawyer, and a Halloween candy bowl that might actually be somebody's head. Welcome to The Rizzuto Show, where the scary part isn't Halloween—it's realizing these people are allowed to operate vehicles.
Rizz, Moon Valjean, Lern, Rafe Williams, and King Scott are back with another funny podcast packed with St. Louis weird news, ridiculous Halloween costumes, dangerous childhood memories, questionable decisions, and the kind of daily comedy that makes you wonder how any of us survived the 1980s.
First, King Scott's NFL Pick'em punishment takes a truly St. Louis turn when the crew stuffs him into a gigantic toasted ravioli mascot costume, courtesy of GO! St. Louis.
But because Halloween is approaching, this isn't just any toasted ravioli.
It's Dracula Ravioli.
We're talking vampire teeth, a Dracula hairline, and a massive square of pasta so wide it practically requires its own building permit.
The crew measures the costume in units of Lern, because apparently the metric system wasn't humiliating enough. At roughly one Lern tall, Scott becomes a walking, talking, meat-filled architectural problem.
Then comes the real challenge: getting the giant ravioli through the studio doorway and into his tiny producer booth.
Scott manages to squeeze inside, but closing the door is another matter entirely. Rafe has to climb in and help adjust the microphone, creating what might be the world's most uncomfortable pasta-based recording studio.
Yesterday, Scott was trapped inside the Sweetmeat pig costume. Today, he's Dracula Ravioli. Tomorrow, there's another mascot waiting.
Losing the NFL Pick'em challenge has officially become a full-time job in the humiliation industry.
From there, the gang takes a trip down memory lane to discuss the most dangerous toys of the '80s and '90s.
Remember lawn darts? Those giant metal projectiles that somebody looked at and decided belonged at a family barbecue?
How about clackers, BB guns, wrist rockets, spark-producing Rollerblade Barbie skates, sharp slap bracelets, chemistry sets with actual scalpels, and Easy-Bake Ovens that took approximately three business days to produce a brownie?
Rizz remembers microscope kits with glass slides and surgical-grade cutting tools. Lern recalls getting impatient with her Easy-Bake Oven and eating the batter before the light bulb could finish cooking anything.
Rafe remembers the neighborhood weapons arsenal, including slingshots and a modified Wiffle ball bat. Moon remembers childhood forts, hiding spots, and the general lack of adult supervision that made growing up feel like a low-budget survival reality show.
Naturally, the conversation leads to stories about kids hiding in cabinets, sleeping inside toy chests, crawling through neighborhood brush, and turning electrical utility areas into imaginary military headquarters.
Rafe even reveals that, as a teenager, he tried to saw an escape hatch through his bedroom floor so he could sneak out without his strict dad noticing.
Unfortunately, his father discovered the project when sunlight started shining through the floorboards from underneath the house.
Most teenagers sneak out a window. Rafe apparently wanted to recreate The Shawshank Redemption.
The crew also gets into a debate sparked by Lern's recent women's retreat: If you keep a baseball bat in your car for protection, do you need a baseball glove to prove you're not carrying a weapon?
This launches an extremely unserious conversation about traffic stops, batting practice, tire knockers, and the world's least convincing explanation for why somebody has a baseball bat in their trunk.
Please don't use this segment as legal advice. These are radio people. One of them is currently a ravioli.
Meanwhile, Lern is preparing for a long weekend in Chicago, complete with a Lake Michigan dinner cruise, a visit with coworkers, and a celebration of her 12th wedding anniversary with Tim.
Rizz immediately questions the decision to eat dinner on a boat when Chicago has so many restaurants.
Because nothing says friendship like criticizing somebody else's vacation itinerary before they've even left town.
Moon also shares a stressful parenting moment after helping his son purchase a used Ford Mustang EcoBoost.
The excitement of getting a cool car quickly turns into a nightmare when the engine starts acting up shortly after leaving the dealership. A diagnostic check suggests two cylinders aren't firing, sending Moon and his son straight into used-car panic mode.
Thankfully, the dealership takes the vehicle back, replaces the spark plugs, and gets it running properly again.
At least for now.
Because buying a used car is basically gambling, except the slot machine needs insurance.
And speaking of vehicles, Rizz brings up a bizarre St. Louis car theft story involving a man who allegedly walks up to a downtown hotel valet and simply asks for the keys to a Rivian.
The valet reportedly hands them over.
That's it.
No elaborate plan. No disguise. No action-movie getaway.
Just a guy asking for a vehicle that doesn't belong to him and apparently receiving excellent customer service.
According to the story discussed on the show, police locate the suspect nearby, and he allegedly admits knowing the vehicle wasn't his.
His explanation? Sometimes bad decisions are more fun than good decisions.
That's not a defense strategy. That's a bumper sticker for people who make terrible choices.
Then Halloween takes a disturbing turn when the crew discusses a story involving a human skull reportedly used as a candy bowl for years.
What the homeowner apparently believed was a fake Halloween decoration becomes a whole lot more concerning when somebody notices dental work that suggests the skull might be real.
Imagine telling trick-or-treaters to grab a Snickers out of a skull for four years, only to learn that your festive decoration might require a forensic investigation.
Suddenly, the giant vampire ravioli is only the second-weirdest Halloween story of the day.
The gang also reacts to a hilarious video of a child rattling off a wildly dramatic list of medical conditions at a doctor's office, talks about sleep habits and nighttime drooling, and checks in on Moon's upcoming dermatology appointment.
It's another beautifully chaotic morning of weird news, nostalgic stories, local headlines, family disasters, and sarcastic humor from your favorite St. Louis comedy talk show.
Whether you grew up dodging lawn darts, have ever experienced used-car buyer's remorse, or simply need to hear a grown man attempt to operate a radio studio while dressed as a vampire appetizer, this funny podcast delivers the ridiculousness.
Because when your day starts with Dracula Ravioli and ends with a human skull candy bowl, you're not listening to an ordinary morning show.
You're listening to The Rizzuto Show.
Hit play, keep your Halloween candy in a normal bowl, and remember: just because a valet hands you the keys doesn't mean the car is yours.
And if you've ever wondered what happens when St. Louis weird news collides with childhood nostalgia, NFL punishments, and a crew that refuses to behave like responsible adults, this funny podcast has your answer.
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