King Scott is trapped inside a pig costume that smells like a deli counter, Rafe is calculating how much chocolate it takes to kill a person, and Chris Kerber is apparently running a neighborhood homeowners association like a sarcastic hockey coach. Welcome to The Rizzuto Show, where even the HOA president has better material than most comedians.
Rizz, Moon Valjean, Lern, Rafe Williams, and King Scott are back with another funny podcast featuring Halloween candy controversies, bizarre food science, embarrassing mascot punishments, neighborhood drama, and a visit from the voice of the St. Louis Blues, Chris Kerber.
First up, King Scott's NFL Pick'em punishment continues with Mascot Week, and things are already getting disgusting.
Scott is spending the day dressed as Sweetmeat, the giant pig mascot from 105.7 The Point, and the costume has apparently been marinating in years of sweat, promotional appearances, and questionable life choices.
The mascot head smells like salami. The armpits smell like old sweat. And somehow Scott decides the perfect snack to enjoy inside this portable biological experiment is a beef stick.
That's right. Pork on pork.
Rafe, Lern, Moon, and Rizz are understandably horrified, but Scott is committed to completing his punishment. Even if that means spending the morning breathing recycled meat-stick air inside a giant pig head.
Somebody call the health department. Or at least Febreze.
Then the crew celebrates National Chocolate Day, which conveniently falls just before Halloween.
Lern admits she's already been raiding the Halloween candy bowl sitting on her dining room table, and the gang debates whether buying candy early is responsible preparation or simply giving yourself several additional days to eat Butterfingers.
Rizz and Moon discuss expensive gourmet chocolate bars, including the increasingly popular Dubai chocolate, while Lern praises the handmade chocolates from a local St. Louis shop.
Naturally, the conversation turns into a debate over whether it's even possible to dislike chocolate.
According to a poll discussed on the show, a small percentage of people claim they actively hate the stuff. Rafe can't understand it. Moon wants to know whether those people simply had a traumatic chocolate experience. Rizz wonders whether somebody fell into Willy Wonka's chocolate river.
And then somebody brings up baking chocolate.
Remember being a kid, discovering what looked like a secret stash of chocolate in the kitchen, and realizing too late that unsweetened cocoa tastes like crushed dreams?
Rafe certainly does.
But things get even stranger when Rafe looks up how much chocolate someone would theoretically have to eat to suffer a fatal overdose.
The number discussed on the show? Approximately 711 regular Hershey's bars for a 165-pound adult, based on a theoretical calculation involving theobromine.
Rizz immediately announces that he always stops at 710.
The crew starts investigating other things people can consume in dangerous quantities, including water, bananas, and apples. Suddenly, National Chocolate Day has become a completely unnecessary seminar on how not to poison yourself with groceries.
For the record, these are theoretical calculations and not remotely a challenge. Please enjoy your candy like a normal person who doesn't need to consult a toxicologist before dessert.
Then Chris Kerber, the longtime voice of the St. Louis Blues, joins the show for what should be a perfectly normal hockey conversation.
Except Rizz brings up a story about a homeowners association allegedly discouraging residents from handing out full-size Halloween candy bars because it might make other neighbors feel bad.
And that's when Chris drops an incredible revelation.
He's the president of his own homeowners association.
Not just a member. The actual president.
Suddenly, the man who calls Blues games for a living is explaining how he manages neighborhood complaints, angry emails, Christmas decorations, overgrown bushes, and residents who apparently believe the HOA exists to solve every minor inconvenience in their lives.
Chris reveals that his leadership philosophy is remarkably simple: if you're going to complain about something, maybe consider helping fix it.
Weeds growing in the cul-de-sac? Go pull them.
Don't like the Christmas decorations his wife volunteered to put up? Congratulations! You're welcome to store them and decorate next year.
Sending an angry email in all capital letters? Don't be surprised when President Kerber responds in the exact same style.
It's the kind of neighborhood management strategy that probably wouldn't survive a corporate leadership seminar, but apparently works wonders when dealing with people who have too much free time and strong opinions about decorative wreaths.
And then comes the greatest HOA story of them all.
A neighbor has an enormous metal rooster in the front yard, and other residents keep complaining about it.
Chris convinces the homeowner to move the giant chicken into the backyard. But there's a catch.
He offers to buy a spotlight so the rooster can be illuminated directly toward the yard of the neighbor who complained the most.
That's not conflict resolution.
That's psychological warfare with lawn ornaments.
Rafe immediately decides Chris should be running the entire city of St. Louis. Potholes? Grab a shovel. Neighborhood complaints? Try being useful. Halloween candy restrictions? Absolutely not.
President Kerber makes it clear that people should hand out whatever size candy bars they want.
Democracy has spoken. And democracy wants the king-size Snickers.
Of course, the conversation eventually returns to hockey.
Chris discusses Blue Note Plus becoming available on DirecTV, explaining some of the challenges involved in modern sports broadcasting and regional television agreements.
Rizz is thrilled that he can finally turn on the channel and watch Blues hockey without jumping through additional hoops.
The crew also digs into the St. Louis Blues' recent scoring struggles, including back-to-back home shutouts and a frustrating game against Montreal in which the Blues generated plenty of offensive opportunities but couldn't solve the opposing goaltender.
Chris explains why the team's effort wasn't necessarily as bad as the final score suggested, discusses the importance of creating consistent scoring chances, and looks ahead to upcoming games against Boston and Detroit.
So yes, this funny podcast actually contains some legitimate hockey analysis.
We were surprised, too.
From King Scott sweating inside a suspiciously fragrant pig costume to chocolate overdose math, Halloween candy arguments, and Chris Kerber's unexpected career as a neighborhood dictator—sorry, president—this episode delivers the perfect combination of St. Louis sports, weird news, sarcastic humor, and morning radio nonsense.
Whether you're a Blues fan, a Halloween candy enthusiast, somebody who's survived an HOA nightmare, or just a person who enjoys watching King Scott suffer through another ridiculous punishment, this funny podcast has plenty to keep you entertained.
Hit play, enjoy your Halloween candy responsibly, and remember: if your neighbor puts an eight-foot metal rooster in the backyard, there's a decent chance Chris Kerber helped pay for the spotlight.
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