It’s Thursday night. You’re running on fumes. And your partner is on the couch, scrolling, not noticing that your shoulders are up around your ears.
You’ve tried asking. You have. But the asking felt like so much work that you kind of.… stopped. So you do the dishes a little louder than they need to be done, and when they finally ask if you’re okay, you say “I’m fine!” and keep scrubbing.
And everyone has advice:
“Just ask for what you need.”
“Communicate your needs clearly.”
“Your partner isn’t a mind reader.”
“Stop expecting them to just know.”
This episode is for you if you’ve ever thought “if they really loved me, they’d just know,” if asking for what you need feels like one more job on a to-do list that’s already way too long, or if someone asks what you need and your mind goes completely blank.
I’ll be honest. That advice isn’t wrong. It’s research-backed…. for neurotypical brains. But for a lot of neurodivergent women, “just ask” isn’t one step. It’s eight.
And here’s the good news: wanting them to just know isn’t needy, and it isn’t impossible. Today I’m not just telling you why mind reading doesn’t work (at least not yet.) I’m also sharing a five-step way to get there together, so your partner can actually learn to just know, and you can stop doing all the work.
IN THIS EPISODE
- Why “just ask for what you need” is really eight steps for a neurodivergent woman (and why wanting them to “just know” makes total sense)
- Why your partner can’t read your mind right now (spoiler: your needs keep moving with your capacity, your cycle and your stage of life)
- What happens when two neurodivergent partners are reading different maps (you hint, they hear exactly the words you said)
- Why you might not know what you need either (and how interoception, alexithymia and a lifetime of reading everyone else turn your own signal down)
- How couples who “just know” each other actually got there (it’s not magic, it’s built)
- The two sets of jobs: what’s yours, and what belongs to your partner (hint: the noticing, the offering and the remembering are theirs)
- Five steps to get there together
- The backup move for when “what do you need?” feels like an abyss (and why picking from a list is so much easier for our brains)
MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
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A NOTE
This podcast is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you’re in crisis, please reach out to a local crisis line or emergency service.
