It’s 10:47 on a Friday night. Your partner read your text four hours ago and hasn’t replied. You’ve checked your phone twenty times, typed “no worries if you’re busy!!” and deleted it twice.
Then Saturday morning, they want to cuddle and make plans, and all you want is the bath and a playlist. And they say you’re “so hot and cold.”
So you go looking for answers, and the internet hands you a label:
“You’re anxiously attached.”
“That’s a classic avoidant move.”
“Learn to self-soothe and stop seeking so much reassurance.”
“Push yourself to stay close when you want to pull away.”
This episode is for you if you’ve taken an attachment quiz at 2am and used the result to beat yourself up, if you can’t tell whether you’re anxious, avoidant, or if your partner keeps saying they never know which version of you they’re getting.
Can I be honest? Attachment theory is useful, and it’s research-backed. But attachment styles get measured by behaviour, and for neurodivergent women the same behaviour can come from a completely different engine. If that advice never worked for you, it was never your fault. The tools just weren’t built for your brain.
Today I’m going to show you the three big lookalikes I see in my practice, be honest about the part where it’s both, and I’m not just telling you what doesn’t fit. I’m sharing four steps to untangle your own pattern and explain it to your partner in words that actually land.
IN THIS EPISODE
- Attachment theory in plain words (and why it’s measured from the outside, which is exactly where neurodivergent women get misread)
- How rejection sensitivity can look exactly like anxious attachment (spoiler: if it shows up with your boss and the barista too, it might not be about your partner)
- Why you’re probably not missing the signals, you’re catching all of them (and where your brain fills in the blank with the scariest story)
- How a drained battery from masking can look like avoidance (and the big tell: after you recharge, you come back warmer)
- Why “hot and cold” might be your ADHD and autistic needs taking turns at the wheel (with your cycle in the mix, too)
- The honest part: your patterns in love are wiring plus history, and what “earned secure attachment” means for you
- Four steps to untangle your pattern: track the moment, ask three sorting questions, translate it for your partner, and build in clarity and a planned return
- A simple three-part sentence for explaining any of this to your partner (and why it isn’t apologizing for having needs)
MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
- Free guide - How to Stop the RSD Spiral: JennaDalton.com/rsd
- Free quiz - Is It Actually Me?: JennaDalton.com/quiz
- Episode 7 - How Rejection Sensitivity Hijacks Your Relationship: listen here
- Episode 13 - What Masking Costs Your Relationship: listen here
- Episode 14 - You’re Not Overreacting, You’re Flooded: listen here
- Episode 16 - “Just Communicate Your Needs Better” Is Not a Helpful Strategy: listen here
- Episode 20 - Why You Crave Closeness and Need Space at the Exact Same Time: listen here
- Episode 22 - “I’m Fine for Two Weeks, Then Everything Falls Apart”: listen here
LOVED THIS EPISODE?
Subscribe so you don’t miss what’s next, leave a rating wherever you listen, and send this one to the friend who’s convinced she’s “anxiously attached,” or to the partner who keeps asking why you’re so hot and cold.
CONNECT
A NOTE
This podcast is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you’re in crisis, please reach out to a local crisis line or emergency service.
