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In this solo episode, I pick up exactly where Jacob left me with one simple statement. No matter the faults, no matter the problems, all you can do is try and be kind.
Kindness sounds simple until somebody hurts me. It is easy to think I am a kind person when everything is going my way, but what happens when somebody disappoints me, rejects me, betrays me, or simply doesn't give me what I want? That is probably where kindness actually starts to mean something.
I talk about the difference between kindness and being nice, because I don't think they are the same thing. Kindness isn't saying yes to everything. It isn't avoiding conflict or allowing somebody to continually hurt me. I can say no kindly. I can set a boundary kindly. I can tell somebody the truth they don't want to hear kindly. I can even end a relationship kindly. Their reaction to that doesn't determine whether what I did was kind.
Sometimes kindness actually requires more strength than cruelty. When I'm triggered, being a prick can be fucking easy. Remaining conscious enough not to deliberately hurt somebody when part of me desperately wants to hurt them back is much harder.
That comes into my work as a psychotherapist as well. Sometimes the kindest thing I can do for somebody isn't nod my head and make them feel comfortable. Sometimes it is metaphorically throwing a bucket of water over them and waking them the fuck up. That can be confronting, but kindness isn't always comfortable. Intent matters.
I also get into what is underneath me when I can't be kind. Is it my ego? My pride? My fear of rejection? My need to win? What am I actually protecting when I need to humiliate somebody, punish them, prove them wrong, or make sure they feel some of the pain I'm feeling?
All behaviour is communication, and the person standing opposite me has a story as well. Understanding their behaviour doesn't mean excusing it. I can think somebody is completely fucking wrong and still treat them like a human being. I can disagree without destroying them. I can set a boundary without needing revenge. Somewhere along the way I think we've forgotten that disagreement doesn't automatically make somebody our enemy.
Then there is kindness at home, because that is probably where it really counts. Not with the stranger who thinks I'm a great bloke because I smiled at them. With my partner. My kids. The people who see me tired, frustrated, stressed, angry, distracted, and completely fucking over it. Am I still kind when nobody is watching?
And probably the hardest part of all of this is kindness towards myself. I can speak to myself internally in ways I would never speak to another human being. Fucking idiot. Stupid cunt. Failure. Weak. Not good enough. Not enough books sold. Not enough listeners. Not enough people in the group. I should be doing better.
Being kind to myself doesn't mean avoiding accountability. I can say I fucked up. I hurt somebody. I did the wrong thing. I need to own it and repair it. But accountability and self hatred are not the same thing. I don't need to turn something I did wrong into an identity about who I am.
Most kindness isn't some massive act anyway. It is tiny. Putting the phone down when somebody I love wants to talk. Saying thank you. Apologising when I fucked up. Catching my tone of voice. Giving somebody another ten seconds before I react. Not bringing the pain from my day through the front door and dumping it onto somebody who didn't cause it.
I'm never going to be perfectly conscious. I'm going to react. I'm going to get defensive. I'm going to be unkind. Maybe the work isn't becoming somebody who never does those things. Maybe it is seeing them quicker and coming back sooner.
The statement I leave for the next guest is this:
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it'll direct our lives and we'll call it fate.
It’s You. Oh Fuck. It’s ME. In Session with a Psychotherapist
Hosted by Chad Taylor. Author of It’s You. Oh Fuck. It’s ME
No tips.
No fixing.
Just real conversations.
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