What happens when therapists avoid talking about sex? According to Martha Kauppi (she/they), it often leaves clients feeling invisible, misunderstood, and carrying even more shame than when they arrived.
In this conversation, Tom sits down with Martha to explore why sexuality is an essential part of the human experience, and why every therapist should feel equipped to discuss it. Drawing on decades of clinical work and training thousands of therapists, Martha explains how cultural myths about sex, relationships, and desire quietly shape therapy, often reinforcing shame instead of helping people heal.
Together, they also unpack some of the biggest misconceptions about consensual non-monogamy. Martha shares insights from her book on polyamorous and open relationships, explaining why relationship success depends far more on communication, consent, differentiation, repair, and trust than on relationship labels. They also discuss why LGBTQ+ and non-monogamous clients often feel unseen in therapy, how therapists can create greater safety, and why meaningful conversations matter more than finding the "perfect" labels.
This episode offers practical wisdom, compassionate guidance, and an affirming reminder that there is no single "right" way to love - only the work of creating relationships that genuinely fit the people in them.
About Martha:
Martha Kauppi is a marriage and family therapist, educator, author, speaker, and AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor. She has a lifelong career in health and sexuality, and is a senior trainer of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Martha trains therapists all over the world to work more effectively with relational intimacy challenges and sex issues. She is the author of Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients).
Connect with Martha:
Website: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com
Instagram: @martha_kauppi
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@RelationalIntimacy
Books: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/8-steps-to-opening-up-opt-in
https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/relationship-repair-CNM
https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/book
Courses: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/CNM-Level-1
Podcast: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/untangling-intimacy
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
