Why are so many gay men still struggling with loneliness, shame, and disconnection in 2026? In this conversation, Tom talks with therapist Brian Spitulnik about the lasting impact of growing up gay in a heterosexist world and why those experiences can continue shaping us long after we come out.
Brian explores how gay men can build fortresses around shame, disconnect from their bodies and desires, and mistake self-protection for simply “who they are.” He also discusses the importance of real-life community in an era dominated by social media, dating apps, and constant digital connection, sharing how online groups can sometimes become a bridge to deeper in-person relationships.
The conversation moves into sexuality, embodiment, and the difference between authentic preference and patterns shaped by trauma or shame. Brian also opens up about leaving a 15-year Broadway career to become a therapist, the grief that came with losing an old identity, and why cultivating self-worth outside of work and achievement is especially important for gay men.
Finally, Tom and Brian consider what thriving actually means, and why a healthy queer life may require more community, more connection, and more willingness to explore the parts of ourselves we've learned to hide.
About Brian:
Brian Spitulnik, LMSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice, and committed to working with his clients to come fully into relationship with their environment and themselves while providing practical tools for behavioral change and emotional growth. Brian has earned degrees from The University of Michigan, Columbia University, and The Silberman School of Social Work at Hunter College. Before becoming a mental health practitioner, Brian performed on Broadway for over 15 years, and has written for Global Citizen, The Daily Beast, McSweeney’s, and Dance Magazine, Brian is the founder of GAYFULLY, the only mental-health app for gay men.
Connect with Brian:
Website: gayfullyapp.com
Instagram: @spitulnik
YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@BrianSpitulnikLMSW
Connect with Tom:
Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards
