S2 E35 | How Men Actually Change

Why can a man understand his patterns and speak fluent recovery language, yet stay the same man a year later? Many couples live with that question. In this episode, Roy takes it on directly.

Recorded live during our webinar How Men Actually Change, this teaching lays out the model of change we use with men who have caused harm through deceptive sexual behavior. Roy explains why trying harder keeps failing, and how every man is being formed by the stories he believes, the habits he practices, and the relationships he's in. He then walks through how teaching, intentional practice, and honest community can counter the forces that built the double life.

For betrayed partners: nothing in this episode is evidence about any particular man, including yours, and nothing in it asks anything of you. Your healing and your timeline belong to you.

This teaching draws on research about habits and formation as well as Roy's Christian faith. You don't need to share that faith to take something from it.

Resources Integrity Circle, our community for men: https://joy-recovery.com/circle Joy Recovery Academy and more resources: https://joy-recovery.com

Episode guide 0:00 Welcome to Joy Recovery Radio 1:04 A word to betrayed partners 2:00 Insight without change 3:30 A spiritual problem 6:15 Playing God and the addiction to control 9:45 Every man is being formed 11:15 Stories: what we believe 14:30 Pornography and the brain 17:45 Desire is not the problem 19:30 Habits: what we repeat, we become 24:30 Defensiveness and shame 28:30 Relationships: who you walk with 37:15 Becoming intentional 38:45 Teaching and an alternative story 41:15 Practices: training for change 44:45 Community: exposure and encouragement 47:15 Self-improvement or surrender 49:00 Transformation takes time 51:30 The cost of not changing

Joy Recovery Radio is an educational podcast. It is not a substitute for therapy or professional care.