For two years after D-Day, Jacqueline would bring me her grief, her anger, or a question she had already asked, and I would get defensive. My working theory was that if she would change her end of it, even by 10%, I could manage mine better. That theory asked the person I injured to tone down her trauma so I could be more comfortable.
What got us out was one key I had never considered.
In this episode I walk through the ABC method applied to betrayal trauma, and I read out more than 20 of the false beliefs I actually held about my wife, grouped by her anger, her repeated questions, her grief, her boundaries, her vigilance, and her support system. Then I show you how to dispute those beliefs and exchange them for beliefs that are true, healthy, evidence-based, and pro-relational.
FREE WORKSHEET: The ABC Method, at https://www.joy-recovery.com/abcmethod
A caution for the men: this tool applies to your interpretations of her trauma and is never used on her. Analyzing your partner's fear, anger, or triggers as false beliefs is pathologizing her, and that is an integrity abuse behavior.
For partners listening: nothing here is an assignment for you. Take whatever is useful and leave the rest.
IN THIS EPISODE
02:35 Her action, and my conduct
08:30 The key I had never considered
13:30 Shame is a false belief, and it distorts everything
15:00 Her intent and her injury are not the same thing
18:00 Beliefs drive behavior
23:00 The false beliefs, one group at a time
34:00 A caution for the men
35:00 How to run this on your own
The terms integrity abuse and secret sexual basement come from Dr. Omar Minwalla's Deceptive Sexuality and Trauma model. The belief work is built on Albert Ellis's ABC model, extended for this teaching.
Joy Recovery Academy: live teaching and Q&A twice a week, plus an on-demand library. First 7 days free at https://joy-recovery.com
Educational content, not therapy or clinical advice.
