Your partner turns to you - with good intentions - and asks the question every relationship podcast told them to ask: “What do you need from me?”

And you’ve got nothing.

There’s something in there.... pressure in your chest, heat in your throat, a weight you can’t name. But a word for it? You can't put your finger on it. So you say the thing they don’t want to hear. “I don’t know.” And you watch their face flicker - because “I don’t know” sounds like “I won’t tell you.”

Then someone - a therapist, your mom, an Instagram carousel with a nice font - hands you the line: you two just need to communicate your needs better. Directly. Clearly. Kindly.

Cool. Great. Thanks. How?

Here’s what I want you to hear before we start: you’re not a bad communicator. That advice is a hashtag built for neurotypical brains. It’s asking your brain to do something it can’t do in that exact moment, and then blaming you when it doesn’t work. In this episode I pull the advice apart, show you the four reasons it breaks down for neurodivergent women specifically, and hand you three swaps that finally work with your wiring instead of against it.

IN THIS EPISODE

  • The five things “just communicate better” secretly assumes are true about you - and why most aren’t, even on a good day
  • Why the perfect answer seems to always arrive 40 minutes later in the shower
  • Alexithymia in plain words: how you can be flooded with feeling and still have zero words for it
  • The double empathy problem - why the miscommunication was never one-sided, and never only your job to fix
  • The fawn-response trap that’s specific to us: when “no, it’s fine” comes out sounding like communication but isn’t true
  • The Three Swaps: how to change the timing, the format, and the target
  • The one placeholder phrase to pre-load now, while you’re calm, for the moment you can barely think straight, let alone formulate a sentence

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

  • Free workbook: How to Feel Understood in Love (a two-way love map you fill in together): JennaDalton.com/lovemap
  • Episode 14: You’re Not Overreacting - You’re Flooded (the deep dive on emotional flooding referenced here)
  • Free quiz: Is It Actually Me?: JennaDalton.com/quiz
  • The double empathy problem: coined by autistic researcher Damian Milton

LOVED THIS EPISODE?

Subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming, leave a rating wherever you listen, and send this to the person who’s been told to “just use her words” one too many times. Or to the partner who hears “I don’t know” and doesn’t yet know it means “I’m still in here, still processing.”

CONNECT

A NOTE

This podcast is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you’re in crisis, please reach out to a local crisis line or emergency service.

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