You want to work on your sex life. Your partner wants to work on communication. When you are coming into couples therapy focused on different problems, it can be hard to know where you are supposed to begin. And if each of you already feels like your concern has been overlooked, even deciding what therapy should focus on can turn into another argument.
Different goals for couples therapy do not necessarily mean you want different things from the relationship. You may both want to feel closer, but have very different ideas about what needs to change first. When each person starts trying to prove that their concern matters more, choosing a goal for therapy can become another version of the conflict you are already having.
In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell whether you and your partner actually want different outcomes or simply disagree about where to begin. I also look at how communication, conflict, affection, and sexual intimacy can become part of the same cycle, and how to choose a shared starting point without treating one partner’s concern as more legitimate than the other.
2:19 - Why wanting better communication and wanting more sex may be more connected than they seem
5:16 - What “I want more sex” or “I want better communication” may actually mean to each partner
7:30 - How to tell if you want different things from the relationship or simply disagree about where to begin
9:50 - The relationship cycle that can make both communication and physical intimacy harder
11:59 - How to make room for one partner’s sexual boundaries and the other partner’s feelings of loss or rejection
13:10 - What disagreeing about therapy goals can reveal about the patterns already happening in your relationship
15:14 - When different therapy goals are actually a bigger disagreement about the future of the relationship
16:33 - Four questions to ask when different goals have kept you from starting couples therapy
Mentioned In Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy?
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