Growing Up Together: Siblings and Autism - The Autism Mums Podcast | Lyssna här

In this episode, Natalie and Victoria talk about raising siblings who have different needs.

Key Takeaways

How sibling dynamics shift over time, especially as children reach their teens
The unique challenges that come with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) in sibling relationships
Why it's important to let siblings just be siblings, rather than stepping into a co-parenting role
Sensory clashes between siblings — when one child's coping mechanism is another's trigger
Explaining autism to younger siblings in an age-appropriate way
How to handle meltdowns when both children need you at the same time
Fairness vs. equality — why "everyone gets what they need" is a more helpful frame than equal treatment
The importance of one-on-one time and separate activities for each child

Mentioned in This Episode

Wonderfully Wired Brains: An Introduction to the World of Neurodiversity An informative and inclusive children's guide to neurodiversity for those not in the know and to inspire children who are neurodivergent.

MyTime Young Carers — weekly online activities and events for siblings of disabled children

Sibs — UK charity dedicated to supporting brothers and sisters of disabled people

Connect with The Autism Mums

Website – https://theautismmums.com/

Transcript

Victoria Bennion: [00:00:00] In this episode, we're talking about what it can look like growing up with an autistic brother and sister. What does that look like for siblings?

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, so we are coming at it from the perspective of parents observing a sibling relationship

every family is different, but there are definitely common things that come up that I'm sure you'll recognize.

Victoria Bennion: One of the things that comes up, I've noticed is difference in development. Sometimes there's an age gap and sometimes there isn't, but you might notice children reaching milestones. In a different order or at a different pace than you expected?

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, I definitely noticed that with mine. I think I've been thinking about this a lot more recently because I have a younger daughter, older son. A son with diagnosis, and the rates of development of each child, in some ways the youngest is catching up with the oldest when there's a five-year difference.

And looking at the impact of that on the older one. I think it can bring up mixed [00:01:00] feelings for siblings

sometimes it can be motivating or encouraging, but other times it can feel confusing, especially when trying to understand something that seems easy for one child and it's hard for the other.

Victoria Bennion: I think that's where gentle age, appropriate explanations can help a bit. Talking about how everyone's brain works differently and how development isn't a straight line.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, we've used books in the past. I don't know if you've, done that. Mine's a much younger child, but we have started introducing, what autism is to her and we do have a book that explains that brains work differently, which we can link to in the show notes, which could be quite helpful.

Victoria Bennion: That's a good idea. We've used a couple of videos, which would been helpful, but not books, but mine are a little bit older.

Natalie Tealdi: I think another thing that comes up for us is that communication styles can be different. So if one child has PDA, and big anxieties around demands, that can be quite tricky for a sibling to understand.

Victoria Bennion: Oh, yeah. Particularly if one uses direct language, even if they [00:02:00] don't mean it unkindly, it can feel like pressure to the other sibling and the other sibling doesn't always realize

Natalie Tealdi: yeah, we definitely have that with my youngest is trying to be mothering and be helpful.

But using quite a lot of language, like trying to tell my son what to do and it doesn't always go down well 'cause it's not quite how we would phrase things either. So trying to be helpful, but then it's kind of backfiring.

Victoria Bennion: Yeah. Something that we've found it quite helpful to do is to try to reinforce to the older siblings that they don't need to be.

Co-parent. They don't need to try to manage the other's behavior, on our behalf. I've said that's what me and your dad are for. Your role is to be a sister. But that's something that we've really had to be mindful of and work on because it was causing problems.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. And you really wanna protect that relationship. That brother sister relationship can be so important. And you don't really want one of them to be thinking the repair and the other, a child saying,

Victoria Bennion: no, absolutely not.

[00:03:00] I think really when you're managing different needs within a household or two autistic children that might have really different profiles, there can be this clash and it can be really tricky.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely. Like one might really need to make noise or repetition or move more and the other might need quiet and space and predictability and that can be really hard to cater for those needs.

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, we've had that. When we were on holiday, we were in a situation and it was quite crowded and one. My children needed to make noise to regulate themselves, and the other needed silence, and then they're rubbing each other up the wrong way and getting very cross. I mean, it's, neither of these needs are wrong, but.

It can create friction.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. We have that in the car sometimes as well. Like one will need to make noise. The other really desperately wants some quiet and this really boring journey and I just wanna zone out. So it is at that point we building breaks. Let's have a stop here. And I run around lots and lots of breaks on long trips, drips.

Yeah. [00:04:00] So with parenting, you're not just supporting the siblings individually, you're also supporting the relationship between them.

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, that's important, and I think it's about explaining the behaviors in a way that builds empathy between them, helping them understand each other's nervous systems and what each need.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. And I think, that can be received and it just depends how they are at the time, can't it? Sometimes they can be understanding and sometimes they just don't really care. Absolutely. We do our best.

Victoria Bennion: I've certainly noticed the dynamic shifted as one of my children became a teenager. When they were

younger, It was much easier, but I think maybe becoming older and then wanting more responsibility, that might have changed it a bit and it widened that gap.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. Another thing that is quite important to talk about is the invisible child dynamic.

Victoria Bennion: Yes. The child who isn't in crisis, the one that's seeming to be able to cope, the one who gets described as the easy one. I mean, I have one of those once upon a time.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, I think it changes depending on [00:05:00] what phases everybody's in. Doesn't it?

Victoria Bennion: Well, for sure in our household it's definitely like a Seesaw one is okay and it's not.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. But I think children can learn really quickly not to add to the stress at home. You know, be quiet, Don.

Disrupt the balance. And so they might downplay their own needs.

Victoria Bennion: Yeah. It can look positive on the surface. They can look mature, responsible, understanding, but underneath there can be needs that aren't being voiced.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, so it is definitely worth...

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