The more I tried to help, the less effective I sometimes became.
It sounds backwards, but years ago I discovered that the harder I pushed with advice, solutions, or persuasion, the more resistance I often encountered. That experience led me to one of the most important lessons I've learned as a psychologist: sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is stop trying to fix and start trying to understand.
In this episode, I explore why our urge to fix is usually well-intentioned, but can sometimes get in the way of genuinely helping. Drawing on Compassion Focused Therapy, Motivational Interviewing, and three fascinating psychological theories—Self-Perception Theory, Psychological Reactance, and Self-Determination Theory—we look at why people are often more likely to discover their own answers than adopt ours.
You'll also learn practical ways to become a more compassionate listener by replacing advice with curiosity, reflection, and thoughtful questions that help others find their own way forward.
If you've ever found yourself wanting to solve someone else's problems (or wishing someone would simply listen to yours!) I hope this episode gives you a different way of thinking about what it means to help.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Have you ever experienced a conversation where being listened to was more helpful than receiving advice?
Timestamps:
00:00 Why Trying to Fix Fails
01:14 The Urge to Fix
02:57 Compassion Means Understanding
03:22 Why Advice Needs Understanding
04:07 How Talking Creates Clarity
05:15 Why We Resist Advice 07:21
Why Autonomy Drives Change
08:23 Listening Is Real Help
09:13 Three Ways to Listen Better
11:02 Listening as Compassion
12:08 A Simple Experiment This Week
12:54 Final Thoughts
Links:
If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/
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Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/
YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/UT29TU1-WQY
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Video hashtags:
listening, compassion, compassionfocusedtherapy, motivationalinterviewing, psychology, communication
