EPISODE SUMMARY
In every action, interaction, conversation, and event, there is what happened, and each person’s perception of what happened. In parental estrangement, emotional volatility and a history of miscommunication often mean that the impact of our words and behaviors overshadows our best intentions. When perceptions differ significantly, we need tools that help untangle intent and impact.
In this episode of When Our Adult Children Walk Away, Dr. Janet Steinkamp and her daughter Brianna, back in contact after about four years of estrangement, explore how reality and perception can drive family estrangement and create barriers to reconnection.
They revisit a pivotal video call they experienced differently, discuss why explaining intentions can leave someone feeling unheard, and share what changed when each of them stopped needing to be right and started getting curious.
This honest mother-daughter conversation explores accountability, the difference between intent and impact, and healthier communication between parents and adult children, with no blame, no shame, and no judgment.
IN THIS EPISODE
- Reality and perception: what happened, how we experienced it, and the meaning we gave it.
- How assuming we know what our adult child thinks or feels can lead to misunderstanding and keep us stuck.
- How defending, explaining, protecting, and withdrawing can deepen a communication breakdown.
- Questions that invite understanding: “What might I be missing?” “How did that land?” “This is what I’m trying to say. Please tell me what you heard.” And then, listen.
- How Janet and Brianna hold different memories of the same moment without needing to settle whose version is right, letting go of the small things and investing time in the important ones, the things that could put their relationship at risk.
- Why acknowledging impact and taking time to sort out how and when misunderstandings happen can matter more than explaining intentions.
- The different roles coaching and therapy can play for people navigating family estrangement.
CORE MESSAGE
“It doesn’t make any difference whether I am right or wrong. What’s important to me is your understanding of what happened, and where it aligns, or doesn’t, with my understanding.”
Dr. Janet Steinkamp
#FamilyEstrangement #EstrangedAdultChildren #Reconciliation
VOICES FROM THIS EPISODE
"I thought I knew what was going on. What I know now is that I was dealing with perception and not the facts."
— Dr. Janet Steinkamp
"For me a fact would be how you were feeling. I assumed I knew and I didn't ask."
— Dr. Janet Steinkamp
"Until I could figure that out and let go of being right, it wasn't going to go anywhere."
— Dr. Janet Steinkamp
"I don't need (you) to say you're right; we were wrong. I'm curious what happened to make our experiences so different."
— Brianna
"Take accountability with the person that (they) hurt. It takes away all of that fuel."
— Brianna
ONE NEXT STEP: PERSONALIZED ESTRANGEMENT COACHING
If your story and your adult child's story no longer seem to match, where do you begin?
A 60-Minute Consultation with Dr. Janet Steinkamp offers an emotionally safe place to get help as you explore your relationship circumstances, examine your communication patterns, gain clarity, and develop strategies to objectively examine intent and impact.
Book your 60-Minute Consultation
CONNECT WITH US
Explore educational support for navigating estrangement, developing healthy boundaries, and strengthening adult-to-adult communication:
Virtual Office Hours with Dr. Janet and Brianna
Fall 2026 Workshops
Writer's Lab
Watch on YouTube: @DrJanetSteinkamp
Visit When Our Adult Children Walk Away
Produced by Balancing Life's Issues
Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you!
DISCLAIMER
The content of this podcast is based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time.
PROFESSIONAL STANDARDS: Dr. Janet Steinkamp
When Our Adult Children Walk Away with Dr. Janet Steinkamp explores healthy communication, ethical interaction, safe family relationships, and reciprocal (appropriate) boundaries.
The podcast provides education and support for parents navigating family estrangement, communication breakdowns, grief, reconciliation efforts, healthy boundary development and adult family relationship dynamics.
Dr. Janet Steinkamp's work emphasizes emotionally healthy communication, adult accountability, ethical and safe relationship practices, mutual respect and appropriate boundaries, voluntary communication and reconnection and safe and appropriate family systems.
Listeners gain practical tools to improve communication, understand the dynamics of estrangement, and pursue emotional responsibility, compassion, and integrity.
