In this episode, I’m talking about tantra with tantra teacher and intimacy coach Deborah "Kat", and I’ll admit she threw me off within the first five minutes. Like most of you, when I heard “tantra” I thought tantric sex. Deb told me it’s a way of life, and the moment she explained it, the whole conversation about sexless marriages opened up.
So many couples over 50 tell me they feel like roommates. The kids are gone, retirement is on the horizon, and nothing is happening in the bedroom. Deb’s answer starts with you, not your partner. She walks me through the three physical principles of tantra, movement, breath, and sound, and why letting yourself make noise during solo pleasure changed everything for her. She also shares how, after 27 years with her partner, she still finds her way back to desire by simply letting herself look at him.
We get real about resentment, the socks-under-the-bed kind that kills attraction, and why it has to be worked through privately before any invitation can land. Deb explains why men often roll over after sex out of vulnerability, not exhaustion, how shame shaped what she let herself enjoy for years, and the one line she gives men in mismatched desire relationships: “I just want to kiss. If you want more, come to me.” I also share a painful moment from my own marriage, when my husband didn’t notice I’d lost 15 pounds until a therapist asked him directly.
If you’ve gone quiet in your relationship, this conversation gives you small, doable places to start. And part two is coming, so stay close.
This is part one of my two-part conversation with Deb Kat. Subscribe and turn on notifications so you don’t miss part two next week, where we pick up right where we left off.
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In This Episode:
00:00 – Roommates, Not Lovers
00:22 – Welcome to Taboo to Truth
00:55 – Meet Deborah "Kat": Tantra, Bodywork and 27 Years Together
02:10 – What Is Tantra? The Meaning Beyond Tantric Sex
03:51 – Movement, Breath and Sound: Tantric Sex Practices for Beginners
06:47 – Finding Pleasure Outside the Bedroom
08:59 – Permission, Asking for What You Want and the Sound of the Heart
11:11 – When Resentment Is Killing Your Sex Life
14:07 – Deciding to Be Available: What Can We Do in a Minute?
15:35 – Why He Rolls Over After Sex (It’s Not Sleep)
17:47 – Shame, Pillow Talk and Talking About It After
20:21 – Revisiting Your Early Dates
21:40 – Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire: Just a Kiss
23:43 – The Pool Story: Flirting Through Self-Care
25:37 – Reclaiming Intimacy in a Midlife Body
27:05 – Stop Fighting Your Partner in Your Head: 10 Deep Breaths
28:55 – When My Husband Didn’t Notice Me: Slow Down
31:25 – Coming Up in Part Two
31:56 – Outro
About The Guest:
Deborah Kat is a sex and relationship coach on a mission to help people have the best sex of their lives with the people they love. She has practiced tantra for more than 20 years across at least three lineages, and she brings years of experience as a bodyworker plus training in kink, massage, flirting, dating, and relating. She has worked with hundreds of clients, from corporate CEOs to newlywed couples, and draws on her own 27-year relationship to teach that communication, repair, and erotic connection are skills you can learn and practice. Deborah hosts The Better Sex Podcast and the Better Sex Summit. Her philosophy is simple: better sex, better humans, better world.
Connect with Deborah Kat:
Website: https://www.deborahkat.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/deborahtantrakat/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@deborahkat9349
Podcast: https://www.deborahkat.com/podcast
Substack: https://deborahkat.substack.com
About The Host:
Karen Bigman, a Sexual Health Alliance Certified Sex Educator, Life, and Relationship Coach. She tackles the often-taboo subject of sexuality with a straightforward and candid approach. On this show, we explore the intricacies of sex in midlife, offering insights and support for all those experiencing this transformative phase.
This podcast is not intended to give medical advice. Karen Bigman is not a medical professional. For any medical questions or issues, please visit your licensed medical provider.
Looking for some fresh perspective on sex in midlife? You can find me here:
Email: karen@taboototruth.com
Website: https://www.taboototruth.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/taboototruth
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@taboototruthpodcast
Substack:https://karenbigman.substack.com
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