In this episode, I’m taking on a sentence I hear constantly from men in a sexless marriage: “She just doesn’t want sex anymore. This is who she is now.” I want to slow that down, since treating her disinterest as a fixed personality trait is usually misreading the situation entirely.
What’s usually running underneath is one or more of four patterns that relationship researcher John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Researchers can predict a relationship ending from watching a single argument, and these four are what they’re watching for. I take them one at a time and show you what each is quietly doing to desire. Criticism goes after who you are instead of what you did. Contempt, the one weighed heaviest, says I think less of you, and you can’t want someone you feel looked down on by. Defensiveness turns every soft moment into ammunition. And stonewalling, that flat “fine” and the walk out of the room, reads as total indifference even when it’s really a nervous system hitting overwhelm.
None of this means one of you is the problem and the other is the patient one. You can both be trying sincerely and still be stuck. So I close with what interrupts these patterns: naming a behavior instead of attacking character, pausing a fight without abandoning each other, and rebuilding affection with no expectation attached before you try to fix sex at all. My ask for you: pick the one pattern that hit hardest and notice the next time it shows up, in your voice or your partner’s.
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In This Episode:
0:00 – 4 Patterns That Predict a Sexless Marriage
0:07 – “She Just Doesn’t Want It Anymore” Isn’t Who She Is
0:45 – Gottman’s Four Horsemen: The Patterns That Predict a Breakup
1:57 – Horseman 1: Criticism (Character vs. Behavior)
2:47 – Horseman 2: Contempt, the Strongest Predictor
3:30 – Sponsor: ARYA
3:52 – Horseman 3: Defensiveness
4:23 – Horseman 4: Stonewalling & the Silent Treatment
5:00 – Why a Sexless Marriage Is Rarely a Mystery
5:22 – How to Fix It: Address Behavior, Not Character
5:43 – How to Pause a Fight Without Abandoning Each Other
6:10 – Don’t Make Intimacy the First Thing You Fix
6:34 – Your Takeaway: Notice One Pattern
6:53 – The Midlife Man Coaching Program
To watch the video version of this episode, head over to YouTube!
About The Host:
Karen Bigman, a Sexual Health Alliance Certified Sex Educator, Life, and Relationship Coach. She tackles the often-taboo subject of sexuality with a straightforward and candid approach. On this show, we explore the intricacies of sex in midlife, offering insights and support for all those experiencing this transformative phase.
This podcast is not intended to give medical advice. Karen Bigman is not a medical professional. For any medical questions or issues, please visit your licensed medical provider.
Looking for some fresh perspective on sex in midlife? You can find me here:
Email: karen@taboototruth.com
Website: https://www.taboototruth.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/taboototruth
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@taboototruthpodcast
Substack:https://karenbigman.substack.com
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