Why do so many of us feel responsible for everyone else's emotions?Have you ever found yourself saying yes when you wanted to say no? Feeling guilty for setting boundaries? Or carrying the weight of other people's feelings long after the conversation has ended?
In this episode of Psychology, Actually, I am joined by forensic psychologist Dr Nicole Harvey to explore the psychology of people pleasing, emotional responsibility, boundaries and the surprisingly powerful "dog poo bag" analogy.
We discuss why people pleasers often become exhausted, overwhelmed and resentful, how childhood experiences can shape our relationship patterns, and why saying no can feel genuinely frightening for some people. We also explore complex trauma, coercive control, workplace dynamics, anger, self-worth and the process of learning to put down emotional baggage that was never yours to carry in the first place.
Whether you're a recovering people pleaser, someone who struggles with boundaries, or simply curious about relationship psychology, this episode offers practical insights and plenty of moments that may feel uncomfortably familiar.
Timestamps:
- 00:00 The dog poo bag analogy explained
- 01:23 Why Dr Nicole Harvey became interested in people pleasing
- 02:36 Carrying emotions that don't belong to you
- 03:29 How resentment quietly builds
- 04:28 Early signs you may be a people pleaser
- 05:46 Saying yes when you really mean no
- 06:45 How people pleasing shows up at work
- 07:56 Power dynamics, managers and authority figures
- 08:20 Why saying no can feel genuinely frightening
- 09:20 Anger, boundaries and complex trauma
- 10:07 Losing yourself in relationships
- 11:15 Parenting, autonomy and enmeshment
- 12:40 How people pleasing develops in childhood
- 13:45 The impact on physical and emotional health
- 14:26 Recovery as a lifelong process
- 15:40 The Dog Poo Bag Test
- 16:36 Final reflections and next steps
Links:
📲 Connect with Dr Nicole Harvey: https://www.instagram.com/dogpoobagtest/ Get your FREE dog poo bag test score here: https://dogpoobagtest.com
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