Send us Fan Mail
You didn't leave because you wanted to sin. You left because you saw things you couldn't unsee, and you followed your integrity out. This episode is about the price of that: being misunderstood by the people who used to know you best, and what to do about it.
What This Episode Covers
Kristin's husband recently saw extended family for the first time in a while. His text afterward: "they are afraid of me." Nothing about him had fundamentally changed — a tattoo, some facial hair, a different drink order. What changed is that he no longer fits their worldview, and that's enough for a "family-focused" religion to quietly write someone off.
This episode breaks down why that happens and five ways to stop letting it run your life.
Five Ways to Navigate Being Misunderstood
1. It's not about you, it's about them. The labels — lazy, deceived, never had a testimony — aren't an assessment of you. They're a release valve that lets believing members avoid examining their own foundation. Your leaving threatens a worldview built on decades of labor, money, and identity. It's easier to decide something is wrong with you than to ask whether something is wrong with the system.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business. This isn't generic self-help. Exmormon women were raised in a system where worthiness was measured by visibility — temple recommend interviews, callings, how the ward perceived you. Being well-regarded was treated as proof you were living correctly. Untangling your identity from other people's opinions means something different when that's your starting point. This also isn't a license to ignore all feedback — feedback on your actions is useful. Someone's private verdict about your character is not.
3. Stop auditioning. You don't owe anyone a performance of your outcome — good or bad. You can't be present in a hard season if you're managing how it looks. You can't enjoy a good one if you're performing for an audience. The church trained you to audition for your worthiness. You're allowed to opt out of the trial entirely. Replace "how will this look to others" with "what do I actually want here."
4. Find the people who don't label you. A friend's group of Mormon friends dropped her the moment she started wearing pants to church. That's the ceiling on belonging in a system built on conformity — step out of line once and you're out. Finding people who love you without requiring proof of anything is one of the real, unexpected rewards on the other side.
5. Allow the grief. You're allowed to miss the relationship you used to have, even while knowing you made the right call. The people you love may never see what you see, or feel the freedom you've found. That's a real loss. It doesn't undo the decision.
Key Takeaway
You are not required to win back a verdict from people who were never actually weighing the evidence. Their judgment is self-preservation, not truth. Stop trying to prove you're happy. Find the people who don't need you to be anyone other than who you are — then go live your life.
