What does it really take for the person who caused the betrayal to become safe enough to support his wife’s healing?
In this episode, Jane speaks with Carol Juergensen-Sheets—also known as Carol the Coach—about the betraying partner’s role in recovery after the discovery of secret sexual behaviours or infidelity.
Carol is a marriage and family therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, certified clinical partner specialist with APSATS, coach, author and creator of the Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model. She brings decades of experience supporting individuals and couples through the devastating effects of intimate betrayal.
Together, Jane and Carol explore the principles behind Carol’s book Help Her Heal, which teaches betraying partners the empathy and relational skills they need to respond to the harm they have caused.
They discuss:
• Why stopping the behaviour is essential, but not sufficient for relational healing
• What empathy looks like in practice after betrayal
• How the betraying partner can learn to recognise and respond to his wife’s emotions
• Why he must lean towards her pain rather than becoming defensive or withdrawing
• How betrayal trauma can appear as anger, agitation, searching and sleeplessness—or as shutdown, numbness and collapse
• Why these responses need to be understood non-judgmentally
• The importance of letting the betrayed partner communicate what she needs in the moment
• When couples recovery work is—and is not—appropriate
• Why relational work cannot create safety when the betraying partner is continuing to lie, act out or avoid recovery
• The roles of disclosure, emotional impact and restitution work
• How grief, mourning and anger fit into the recovery process
• Why the betraying partner must pace his recovery expectations according to his wife’s healing, not his own
• How compassion fatigue can affect the betraying partner
• The gradual rebuilding of self-trust for the betrayed partner
• What post-traumatic growth can look like for the individual and the relationship
Carol explains that healing is not about returning to the relationship as it existed before discovery. It may require creating an entirely new relationship—with greater honesty, empathy, emotional maturity, boundaries and shared meaning.
There is hope for the coupleship when both people are willing to undertake the work. There is also hope for the betrayed partner, whether or not the relationship ultimately survives.
Resources mentioned
Help Her Heal by Carol Juergensen-Sheets
Help Them Heal: Navigating Sexual Betrayal by Carol Juergensen-Sheets
Helping Couples Heal and Find Love Again by Carol Juergensen-Sheets
Intimate Deception by Dr Sheri Keffer
Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model—ERCEM
Sex Help with Carol the Coach
Carol’s website includes books, courses, professional resources and information about finding an ERCEM-trained therapist or coach.
Quiet Wisdom
quietwisdom.com.au
Please remember that this conversation provides general education and support. It is not a substitute for personalised mental health, medical or relationship advice.
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Disclaimer: The content shared on Confident Again is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical, psychological, therapeutic, legal or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment, and should not be used as a substitute for individualised support from an appropriately qualified professional.
The experiences, perspectives and opinions shared by guests are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Jane Gibb or Quiet Wisdom. Every person and situation is different, and listeners are encouraged to seek professional support appropriate to their own circumstances.
If you are experiencing significant distress, trauma symptoms, concerns about safety, or compulsive or addictive sexual behaviour, please seek support from a suitably qualified health or mental health professional.
