If you want sex to feel good again and not have to think about whether you're hard or softening, or whether you're going to have an orgasm soon — this episode gives you clear, usable tools to start moving in that direction.
In part two of this series on sexual performance anxiety, I talk with health psychologist and clinical sexologist Dr Evie Kirana about how to deal with sexual performance anxiety. We break down the real mind–body connection (no woo here - just pure physiology!), why you can’t force your erection or orgasm to cooperate, and how to shift from performance pressure to meaningful connection.
You’ll learn:
- Why fighting or hiding your anxiety makes it stronger
- How to tolerate anxiety in the moment without shutting down
- The four practical steps to deal with sexual performance anxiety in a new clinical model
- How connection-focused goals (instead of "I-have-to-get-this-righ goals") help your body during sex
- How partners can support without becoming the “fixer” or the “nurse"
Timestamps:
01:24 Introducing Dr. Evie Kirana
03:50 Gender Differences in Seeking Treatment for Sexual Dysfunction
05:30 Understanding Sexual Performance Anxiety (SPA)
07:57 Shame and Its Role
10:05 Cognitive Reappraisal: Changing Unhelpful Thoughts
13:06 Why We Can’t Control Sexual Function (Much Like Other Bodily Functions)
15:53 Shifting from Performance Goals to Connection Goals
18:44 The 4 Phases of Managing Sexual Performance Anxiety (& How To Do It)
25:05 Partner Dynamics and Navigating Progress Together
28:08 Why Society Doesn’t Talk About Sexual Performance Anxiety
31:45 Key Takeaways from Dr. Evie Kirana's Research
34:14 When to Seek Professional Help for Anxiety
36:45 Resources: MindMyErection.com
38:30 My Sex-Therapist Reflections & Final Thoughts
48:17 Outro & Support Resources
You can find Dr. Kirana’s free video resources for men & people with penises (and their partners) at MindMyErection.com.
The study discussed in this episode is A theoretical model for sexual performance anxiety (SPA) and a clinical approach for its remediation (SPA-R) by Rowland & Kirana, published in Sexual Medicine Review.
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