A listener wrote in describing herself as a "well-scraped peanut butter jar" — nothing left to give sexually, and tired of trying.
She'd had sex four days a week, spent evenings cuddling and massaging, and offered every kind of intimacy she could think of. Yet every week still brought sulking, silent treatment, and rejection tears.
After two months of no sex, the pressure finally stopped — so she asked me: why would I ever go back?
In this episode, I unpack what that relief is really telling us — and where to go from here.
We explore:
- Why the relief of not having sex is usually relief from the pressure surrounding sex — and why that distinction is important
- How sulking, silent treatment, and emotional withdrawal are all examples of unhealthy relationship communication behaviours, and how they can make it impossible to say yes to sex freely
- What happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved and important — and how that puts unsustainable pressure on the other person
- The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, including when sex became this loaded and what the relationship looks like outside the bedroom
- What happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved — and the pressure that puts on the other partner
- The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, and why I wouldn't start with "how to get you to want more sex"
Timestamps:
01:46 – The Listener's Question
02:24 – Why You're Depleted (And Why That Makes Sense)
04:18 – "Why Would I Ever Go Back?" — The Real Question
05:20 – The Relief Isn't About Sex — It's About Pressure
06:12 – What the Absence of Fighting Really Means
07:50 – Understanding the Behaviours: Sulking, Stonewalling & Withdrawal
10:19 – The Gottman Four Horsemen & Sexual Rejection
13:04 – Why "Just Try Harder" Fails the Low-Desire Partner
14:21 – What I Would Do If I Were Your Sex Therapist
17:41 – The Key Question: Do You Want to Want Sex Again?
18:59 – The Path Forward: Removing Pressure Before Rebuilding
22:58 – Summary & Takeaways
26:09 – Outro & Working with me
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