On his first sober anniversary, Derrick was crying because he thought nobody cared. Then he came home to a surprise party and discovered that, in AA, he didn't have to be drunk or in trouble to matter.
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Derrick took his first drink on his 21st birthday and describes the next twelve years as a life he could not stop, even when he knew it was getting worse. Childhood abuse had left him believing he was stupid, ugly, and incapable of becoming anything, and alcohol became both a necessity and a way to seek attention while hiding how he felt about himself. He recounts prison, repeated treatment admissions, unstable jobs, blackouts, and coming around AA without being honest about his continued drug use. He could say the right things in meetings and collect medallions, but keeping that secret made it harder to face the people around him. A turning point comes when a sponsor and a friend help him recognize that what he wants is a different way to live. Staying sober comes before learning how to live honestly, accept care, and talk about what happened to him. On his first anniversary, he returns home to a surprise party and is astonished that people care about him even when he isn't drunk. Over time, sharing his experiences helps him discover that he is not alone. He finishes a computer-programming course, realizes it is not the career he wants, and then finds something he is good at in beauty school. An AIDS diagnosis after roughly six years sober changes his priorities again, bringing family, friends, and the value of each day into focus. Speaking in 1991, he describes living through illness and the deaths of many friends while finding room for work, showing his cats, and being a grandfather. When his young grandson announces "I love my grandpa" in a restaurant, Derrick realizes the child is not the only one who loves him. This candid AA talk returns to honesty, accepting help, and learning that normal does not mean perfect or happy every minute. After a friend's funeral, a fleeting thought of drinking gives way to a different realization: he now has a hundred ways to respond to a difficult feeling, and drinking no longer has to be one of them.
Derrick F. from Minneapolis, MN speaking at the 11th Annual Live & Let Live Conference in Kansas City, MO - August 31st 1991
Music: Deep by KaizanBlu
