What do you do when the relationship you're desperately trying to save is with the very people who hurt you in the first place?
Maybe you've tried communicating differently. You've forgiven. You've set boundaries. You've gone to therapy. You've given another chance—and then another.
But nothing really changes.
And when you finally consider stepping back, limiting contact, or even going no contact with a parent, the guilt begins:
Am I a bad daughter? Am I a bad son? What if I regret this? They're still my parents...shouldn't I keep trying?
In this powerful episode of the Adult Child of Dysfunction Podcast, I sit down with psychotherapist and author Dr. Sharon Martin, who has more than 25 years of experience helping adult children navigate dysfunctional family relationships. Sharon is the author of Cutting Ties with Your Parents and The Better Boundaries Workbook.
And I want to make something clear: this conversation isn't about telling you to cut off your parents.
It's about recognizing what you can control—and what you can't.
Sharon explains why family estrangement is rarely as simple as people make it sound. For many adult children, there's a gray area: periods of low contact, reconnecting, trying again, pulling back, or taking space while figuring out what they actually need.
We also explore why it can be so incredibly difficult to let go of the hope that someday your parent will finally see you, understand you, accept you, or give you the love and approval you've spent a lifetime wanting.
Even in adulthood, that longing can remain incredibly powerful. And when we didn't receive those things from our parents, we may find ourselves continuing to seek them—not only from our family, but in other relationships as well.
Dr. Martin and I talk about boundaries, guilt, shame, family roles, emotional abuse, gaslighting, people-pleasing, self-trust, grief, and the complicated decision to create distance from a dysfunctional parent.
One of the most important parts of this conversation is understanding what happens when you finally stop asking:
“How do I change them?”
and begin asking:
“What can I control?”
Sometimes creating space gives you an opportunity to stop managing the crisis in front of you long enough to begin healing what has accumulated behind you. Sharon describes that healing as accepting what is, grieving what you needed but didn't receive, developing boundaries and emotional regulation skills, practicing self-compassion, and even learning how to re-parent yourself.
We also talk about something that is especially close to my heart:
Who are you when you stop being who your family needed you to be?
For many adult children, years of people-pleasing and shape-shifting can make it difficult to even know who they are. Sharon explains that healing can create space to explore your own identity, values, wants, and parts of yourself that may never have felt safe to express.
And no matter what you ultimately decide about your relationship with your family, Sharon leaves us with an important reminder:
Be gentle with yourself.
These are difficult decisions that often come after years of difficult experiences. You don't have to have everything figured out today.
💜 CONNECT WITH DR. SHARON MARTIN
Learn more about Sharon, her books, free resources, and her work:
Website: Live Well with Sharon Martin
Facebook: Dr. Sharon Martin on Facebook
Instagram: Dr. Sharon Martin on Instagram
YouTube: Sharon Martin on YouTube
Her book Cutting Ties with Your Parents is available wherever books are sold.
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