How much of who you are is actually you—and how much was handed to you by your family, your culture, your religion, and generations that came before you?
In this episode of the Adult Child of Dysfunction Podcast, I sit down with author, historian, and educator Margaret Eastman Smith for a fascinating conversation about generational trauma, family history, identity, belonging, and what happens when you finally begin questioning the life you were taught you were supposed to live.
Margaret spent nearly two decades on the faculty of American University’s International Peace and Conflict Resolution program, studying the role history and memory play in divided societies. But her newest book, A Spectacular Inheritance, turns that lens inward, examining her own family history, her parents’ trauma, and the powerful culture in which she was raised.
Margaret grew up surrounded by people committed to changing the world. There was tremendous purpose and idealism in that environment, but there were also expectations about who she should be, what she should believe, and how she should live.
By age 35, Margaret realized she needed to step outside of that world and discover her own way of living. But leaving was only the beginning.
Because what happens when you've spent your life adapting to the expectations around you and suddenly have to ask:
What do I believe? What do I want? What do I need? And who am I when I'm no longer being who everyone expected me to be?
Margaret describes how, growing up, even the idea of exploring her own needs felt almost forbidden. She also recognized that she had spent years trying to protect and rescue her parents, compromising parts of herself in the process.
And THAT is where this conversation becomes so relevant for adult children of dysfunction.
We talk about how trauma can ripple through generations, how children learn to adapt to the unresolved wounds of their parents, why separating from a family or belief system can leave you wondering who you actually are, and why discovering yourself can feel both incredibly freeing and incredibly scary.
We also get into something I talk about all the time: connection.
If connection didn't feel safe growing up, creating healthy relationships later in life isn't always as simple as deciding you want them. Sometimes we first have to learn how to connect with ourselves. Margaret and I talk about authentic connection, curiosity instead of judgment, learning what genuinely lights you up, and creating enough space in your life to hear your own voice.
We even talk about why stillness can feel so uncomfortable for adult children of dysfunction. When you've spent years being hypervigilant, performing, producing, caretaking, or trying to meet everyone else's expectations, simply sitting with yourself can feel surprisingly unsafe.
This conversation is about more than looking backward.
It's about understanding what you inherited so you can decide what you want to carry forward—and what you're finally ready to leave behind.
Margaret's final message says it beautifully:
Be true to yourself and find connection.
Connect with Margaret Eastman Smith
Learn more about Margaret, A Spectacular Inheritance, her writing, and her work:
MargaretEastmanSmith.com
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