156. Needs, Expectations and Standards: How to Stop Abandoning Yourself in Relationships

In this episode I want to talk about something that sits at the heart of so much relational pain for complex trauma survivors — needs. Specifically, why the needs we crave the most are usually the ones that were never met in childhood, why that creates a desperateness that can push people away, and how we end up in a cycle of repressing our needs until we finally explode. I share the distinction that has changed everything for me and for my clients: the difference between expectations and standards, and why one comes from a wounded child place and the other comes from a grounded, secure sense of self. This one is practical, personal, and I think it is going to land somewhere deep. 

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Top Episode Quotes:

"Just because you have a need, you're not needy. It's not the need itself — it's the energy behind the need." — Marina

"A need is just a need. It's like a desk. Is this desk too much? I don't think so. It's just a desk." — Marina

"When we again and again abandon ourselves by saying that's okay, I don't need that — we've already left the relationship. We're already gone." — Marina

"Expectations come from a child place that says I need an adult to meet me or I won't survive. Standards come from inside yourself — they are yours." — Marina

"Because I feel this loyalty to myself that I am going to get this need met no matter what — I don't linger in desperation. I just know." — Marina

somatic healing, nervous system regulation, trauma healing, complex trauma, inner child work, emotional regulation, attachment healing, self trust, needs and boundaries, people pleasing healing, self abandonment, relational healing, codependency healing, secure attachment, standards vs expectations, embodiment, survival mode, burnout recovery, deep within podcast, somatic coaching