This is the third post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfWeek 2 - It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned Myself
“How many Christmas cards have you had?”
That’s a very simple question, so why did it make me feel so uncomfortable?
At the time, it was normal for people to send Christmas cards to family and friends. They also gave them to colleagues at the office.
Maybe Angela asked everyone that question because she saw it as a popularity contest. Lots of cards meaning lots of friends? Who knows? I don’t because I never asked. I kept quiet, stayed small and dreaded going to the branch.
What might seem like an innocent everyday question made me feel inadequate.
Being asked about Christmas cards felt like being asked how many friends I had. I was still gripped by an old belief that I wasn’t interesting, so people didn’t like me. I was still struggling with social anxiety.
The first time, I replied with a number. She told me smugly she had more than that. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but she asked me again the following week.
Looking back, I wish I had known that I didn’t have to prove how popular I was or justify myself by answering that question, no matter how innocent it might have been.
You don’t need to earn respect
The only thing I was ever taught about respect is that you had to earn it. People will only respect you if you earn it. I no longer believe that.
Everyone deserves basic respect. However, we do not have to prove that we are worthy of kindness, consideration or dignity.
When you know that you have nothing to prove to anyone, you realise that you only need to respect yourself. No one ever told me that.
You don’t need to enforce it by being rude or aggressive, either. I have tried that; it doesn’t work. The most powerful self-respect is quiet and natural, because you believe in your self-worth.
As your self-respect grows, you become more comfortable communicating what is and isn’t acceptable to you. You stop feeling the need to explain or justify every decision. You develop a quiet presence that comes from knowing your own worth.
Presence is a quiet power.
The more you respect yourself, the more others will see you as someone worth respecting. They know where they stand with you.
We are conditioned to believe we need people to be comfortable around us. We often let ourselves feel uncomfortable so others feel comfortable.
Building healthy self-respect is part of building a quiet but powerful confidence. It’s not about control, but inner steadiness.
As I talked about in last week’s post,It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned Myself, self-respect begins with the small ways we choose to stop abandoning ourselves.
Then you communicate your limits by setting healthy boundaries.
Interacting with others
When you set a healthy boundary, you are letting people know what you do and don’t allow from them. Boundaries do not have to be rigid; they can change depending on who you are with. You are probably happy to be hugged by a close friend, but maybe not by a complete stranger.
Sometimes a boundary is as simple as telling a friend that you can’t meet for coffee because you need some time to yourself. You don’t have to invent an excuse or feel guilty for needing that time.
It might be politely declining to work late at the office or not taking on someone else’s work to ‘help them catch up.’
You might find it difficult to disagree with someone you care about. But having your own opinion won’t threaten a good relationship.
Setting boundaries also includes knowing what you will do when that limit isn’t respected. We can’t always control another person’s behaviour, but we can choose our response.
After years of being someone’s verbal punching bag, I no longer tolerate attacks on my character. Feedback is fine; rudeness and aggression are not. I walk away from those conversations. I don’t argue; I tell the person that I am not happy with being spoken to that way. I don’t need to explain myself; it’s a quiet refusal to be treated badly.
If I say no to something I don’t want, I only need to explain myself if I feel it’s necessary. If the person is unhappy or disappointed, that is not my fault.
I no longer abandon myself to keep the peace. I speak up, say no, and I handle the hard conversations.
Responding to Angela
How would I handle that question now?
I would probably smile and say, “I have had a few.”
That’s all I would need to say.
Maybe Angela received more than I did. That would be nice, as it clearly meant something to her. Neither of us needs to feel uncomfortable.
Someone might wonder how something as trivial as a question about Christmas cards can be upsetting. For me, at the time, it was a trigger unrelated to the question.
This matters because our feelings are always okay. A trigger is information that tells us something needs addressing.
Self-respect has not made me selfish or aggressive. It has made me a person who can hold her head up and say what needs to be said. Not loud, just quiet and respectful of the other person.
Where to next?
Having healthy self-respect is part of living in alignment with your true self. I have spent years rebuilding my shattered confidence and self-esteem. Now I know who I am. If this interests you, you might like this post The Day You Stop Thinking About Alignment, and It Becomes a Way of Life
Much loveSue xx
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