This is the second post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect Yourself
I always treat myself with love and kindness. It is one of my rules.
Years ago, after the final of three abusive relationships ended, I made a commitment not to let anyone treat me badly again.
That commitment had to include me.
One of the difficult questions I needed to ask myself when I started rebuilding my confidence was this:
If someone you loved were living the life you live and treating themselves the way you treat yourself, how would you feel for them?
Would you want something better for them?
I had been moving from one bad relationship to another for years. I felt used and ashamed. I realised this was about more than rebuilding my confidence; it was about rebuilding my life too.
So, I started making small changes to my life, all based on love, kindness and gratitude.
Every small decision came with the question,
‘What would I do if I loved and respected myself?’
Previously, I would check everything I thought and did against the question,
‘Is this good enough?’
One question asked me to prove my worth. The other assumed I already had it.
Gradually, the hard edges I had built around me softened, and my heart opened again. By the time I met the man who would become my husband, I was beginning to understand that a loving relationship shouldn’t require me to abandon myself.
How we abandon ourselves
Are you on the list of people you care about?
Often, when asked, people readily list the people they care about but leave themselves off. We can be reluctant to care for ourselves, fearing others will think we are selfish.
We tend to measure our worth by how much we do for others. Most people are naturally kind and compassionate, and that is great. But sometimes we take it too far, and it chips away at our self-worth.
When we believe acceptance depends on behaving in the ‘right’ way, we start to act in ways we think will make us more likeable. This can lead to people-pleasing, seeking external validation, and forming unhealthy relationships.
We form an unspoken agreement: ‘If you are comfortable with me, then I must be okay.’
* We say yes when we mean no.
* We stay quiet rather than risk a disagreement.
* We change ourselves depending on who we are with.
* We tolerate behaviour we know isn’t right.
* We ignore our needs because someone else’s needs feel more important.
We abandon our true selves and stay small so we will fit in. Then we think people will love and accept us. All that happens is that we lose respect for ourselves.
We send ourselves the message, ‘I don’t matter.’
We do matter
When I didn’t respect myself, I found it much harder to recognise when other people weren’t respecting me.
This was part of how I walked blindly into those abusive relationships. I was seeking love when I didn’t yet know how to protect my own worth.
I was living in a vicious circle where I looked for love, didn’t get it, so I looked for love even harder.
I realised the ways I had been abandoning myself. Staying in toxic relationships, drinking too much, and allowing people to treat me badly. But I also realised it happens in much smaller ways. Every time we silence ourselves, ignore our needs, make ourselves smaller, or become someone else to keep another person comfortable, we leave a little bit of ourselves behind.
Self-respect is choosing to stop doing that.
What I learned is that we don’t have to make people feel comfortable around us. We don’t have to be ‘acceptable’ or ‘fit in’.
When you learn to be yourself, you can show up everywhere as that person. When you do, you notice people respect you. That doesn’t necessarily mean everyone likes you. The difference is that you like yourself. That becomes what matters most.
You don’t need to show up as anyone other than yourself. No part of you needs to be hidden. It’s so refreshing to realise you have nothing to hide and nothing to prove to anyone, because you matter. That’s not selfish; it’s honest.
We go deeper into these themes and how to master confidence and self-belief in our Confidence Circle. These are hour-long sessions held three times every month. It has been my pleasure to watch the members grow together and support each other. If you are interested in joining a warm and supportive group, get in touch. Much loveSue xx
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