Our theme for October is Self-Respect.
“I don’t know if I love myself.”
I have heard that many times from clients.
There was a time when I already knew my answer.
I didn’t love myself. I didn’t think I was a nice person.
I got into bad relationships, drank too much and didn’t take proper care of myself.
Was that how you treat someone you love?
Today, my answer is very different. I love myself. I know I am a good person. I have good relationships and take care of myself.
But I didn’t reach that place by deciding to love myself. That wasn’t the first step.
When I committed to building my confidence, something else began to change too. I didn’t consciously think, I am worthy of this effort. But perhaps some part of me was beginning to believe it.
I started to believe that I matter, and that’s how I began to treat myself. Treating myself as someone who matters helped me to feel love for myself.
Sometimes we discover our value through how we treat ourselves. Sometimes another person reflects it back to us first.
A small act of kindness
I once heard a story about a man who had experienced homelessness and addiction. I don’t remember all the details now, but one part of his story has stayed with me. I can’t recall his name, so let’s call him Bill.
Bill watched people walk by every day as he sat holding a piece of cardboard with the word ‘Homeless’.
It hurt him that most people walked past as if he were invisible. A few might drop some change into his bowl, but they never spoke. Bill longed for connection and to be seen as a fellow man. Instead, most people turned away, even crossing the street.
One day, a man who had just walked straight past him suddenly turned around and walked back. The man offered to buy him a meal. It was just a simple burger and fries, but after eating out of garbage bins, it must have tasted heavenly.
After the meal, the man gave him some money, enough for the next day’s meal. He wished him luck and walked away. A few days later, the man returned to check on him. No one had ever done that before. Bill felt something shift inside him. This man wasn’t just being kind and then moving on without ever considering him again. He cared enough to come back. It tugged at a thread of hope in Bill.
The stranger didn’t tell Bill to clean himself up, get a job, or even to stop drinking. Instead, as he left, he said four words. You have value, brother.
After that, the story goes, Bill checked into rehab.
He had done so several times before, only to relapse each time. This time, he had a reason to succeed. Someone had given him value, and he held on to it.
What stayed with me wasn’t the meal or the money. It was that someone had stopped to treat a homeless addict as though he mattered, and then, importantly, had come back to see him again.
Someone else saw his value as a man before he could see it himself. The stranger couldn’t give Bill value; only Bill could. The act of kindness, of letting Bill know he had been seen, was the nudge Bill needed.
Believe that you matter
Self-respect doesn’t have to begin with believing you are worthy. It can begin with doing something that shows you might be.
Asking someone to love themselves for who they are when they are struggling to see themselves as worthy can be hard. It may even reinforce their lack of self-worth, making them feel like a failure. Well-meaning people tell them they just need to love themselves, yet they can’t even do that.
Maybe a better question would be, ‘Can you do something to show yourself that you matter?’
Self-respect is a way to learn to love ourselves.
When loving yourself feels too hard, you might manage to do one small thing for yourself.
* Eat something nourishing even when you can’t be bothered.
* Go outside for ten minutes.
* Keep one small promise you made to yourself.
* Rest without making yourself earn it first.
* Say no to something you don’t have the capacity for.
* Notice when you are speaking harshly to yourself, and stop.
* Ask for help when you need it.
* Do one thing today that makes tomorrow a little easier.
* Tell yourself that today has been a good day when it has.
* Yes, sometimes self-care can be as simple as a warm bubble bath!
Do one small thing to show yourself that you do matter. One small act of kindness shown to yourself. That could even be stopping something you are doing.
This is self-respect.
Start where you are and do one small thing that shows you matter. Move forward from there.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate that and your comments. I believe that people don’t necessarily need a dramatic reinvention. They need ways to begin hearing themselves again above the noise. Maybe a good question to ask yourself is, "Does the way I'm living reflect what matters to me.” Much loveSue xx
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