If you're usually good at solving problems, betrayal can be uniquely frustrating.
You're used to something going wrong, gathering the information, understanding what happened and figuring out what to do next.
So when infidelity happens, you naturally try to do the same thing.
Why did they do it?
What did I miss?
What does this mean?
What should I do now?
How can I make sure it never happens again?
You research. Replay conversations. Ask more questions. Run different scenarios. Perhaps you listen to another podcast episode hoping this will finally be the one that makes everything click.
But what if the problem isn't that you haven't figured it out yet?
What if you're trying to solve something that was never really a puzzle in the first place?
In this short episode, I explore why our ability to analyse and problem-solve can sometimes work against us after betrayal - and how thinking can quietly shift from a useful attempt to understand what happened into a sophisticated way of avoiding what we're actually feeling.
In this episode:
- Why capable, analytical people can become particularly stuck after betrayal
- The hidden assumption that understanding everything will finally make you feel okay
- The difference between a problem to solve and an experience to navigate
- How analysis can feel like progress even when you're going round in circles
- Why repeatedly asking questions doesn't necessarily produce greater clarity
- A simple way to recognise when thinking has stopped helping
The question I want to leave you with is:
Am I actually trying to understand something new, or am I using analysis to avoid sitting with a feeling I haven't let myself have yet?
You don't necessarily need another answer.
Sometimes, the next step is recognising that not everything difficult can be solved. Some experiences have to be moved through.
This is the first of three short episodes exploring how some of the very qualities that help us succeed elsewhere in life can unexpectedly make recovery after betrayal more difficult.
In the next episode, we'll look at what happens when being someone who normally handles things becomes part of the problem, and why struggling can start to feel like evidence that something is wrong with you.
Work With Me
If you'd like support navigating betrayal, rebuilding self-trust and figuring out what you actually want moving forward, you can learn more about my one-to-one coaching and the After the Affair Collective at lifecoachluke.com.
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