We sit down with therapist Josh O’Tani to talk about pornography use as a couples issue and why secrecy can wound a relationship as deeply as infidelity. We map the shame and anger cycle that keeps partners stuck, then share practical ways to rebuild trust through curiosity, empathy, and consistent repair.
• Reframing pornography use as relational and systemic, not just individual behavior
• Pornography as a coping strategy for difficult emotions and how avoidance spills into marriage
• The negative interaction cycle after betrayal, including shame, fixing, withdrawal, anger, and distrust
• Why empty promises fail and how trust rebuilds through time and consistency
• Why secrecy matters more than the content for many couples
• Confessing early versus being discovered and the impact on safety and vulnerability
• Betrayal trauma responses, including volatility and PTSD-like symptoms
• Simple language shifts that validate pain without defensiveness
• Clarifying values and agreeing on goals, abstinence versus negotiated boundaries
• Tools from emotionally focused therapy, enactments, and impact versus intent
• The mindset shift that you don’t have to heal alone, and why professional help accelerates progress
• Where to find Josh and his resources at Big Valley Therapy
Happy Hacks: 101 Science-Backed Ways to Boost Happiness, Reduce Stress, and Build a More Meaningful Life.
Available now starting at 99¢ on Amazon and Dave's Book Store
Written by Dr. Dave Schramm, this practical and uplifting new book offers simple, research-based strategies to help you build greater happiness, strengthen resilience, reduce
The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.
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