"There is always, always hope in any marriage, and I mean any marriage." ~ Pat Millea
- Is it actually okay for a Catholic couple, even ones who work in mental health, to go to marriage counseling?
- Why might your spouse asking to talk about feelings not be a criticism of who you are?
- Does having a sacramental marriage, or being married to a therapist, guarantee a happy relationship?
In episode 109 of This Whole Life, Pat Millea flies solo (Kenna's swamped with back to school season) to share seven honest lessons he's learned from being married to a licensed marriage and family therapist. He opens by naming the assumption listeners might be making, that their marriage is easy because of what they do for a living, and admits there were genuinely difficult years in their relationship, including the moment Kenna first asked him to go to marriage counseling, which felt to him like being punched in the face.
From there, Pat walks through what he's learned since: that going to therapy is not a sign of failure, how naming an unspoken parent-child dynamic in their marriage changed how they related to each other, why learning to identify and voice his own emotions took years of practice, and how a simple, almost corny script helped them break out of a painful conflict cycle they'd repeated for years.
He closes with two of the most important lessons: that neither the sacrament of marriage nor a degree in therapy automatically produces a great relationship, since every marriage takes real, ongoing work, and that no marriage, no matter how far gone it feels, is beyond hope.
This episode is for anyone who has ever assumed marriage should get easier once you know what you're doing, or anyone quietly wondering if going to counseling means something is wrong with them.
Chapters:
- (00:00) - Cold Open
- (00:29) - Welcome, High and Hard, and Their Marriage Timeline
- (12:06) - Lesson 1: It Is Okay to Go to Therapy
- (15:11) - Lesson 2: Naming the Parent-Child Dynamic
- (21:52) - Lesson 3: Learning Emotional Attunement and the Feelings Wheel
- (26:49) - Lesson 4: Sidestepping the Dance Before It Starts
- (32:02) - Lesson 5: Sacraments and Therapy Are Not Magic Tricks
- (35:03) - Lessons 6 and 7, Challenge by Choice, and Closing Prayer
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Interested in more faith-filled mental health resources? Check out the Martin Center for Integration
Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.
