Couples Therapist and coach Jason Polk explains how retaliation in relationships—making a partner feel bad because they made you feel bad—creates a negative pattern that keeps couples disconnected.
He argues retaliation doesn’t build closeness, protect from hurt, or effectively teach, and can instead foster resentment, fear, and lead to controlling dynamics such as an “authoritarian dictator” stance met by a passive, submissive, or resistant rebel stance, increasing stress and disconnection.
Polk notes retaliation may be learned in childhood from retaliating parents and urges listeners to recognize it as a reflex and respond as a mature, wise adult.
He recommends working with the anger that protects hurt feelings and communicating calmly from a centered place, naming the hurt and making a clear request (e.g., asking the behavior not to happen again) to promote openness and connection.
00:00 Retaliation Defined 00:46 Why It Disconnects 01:51 Control And Stances 03:32 Where It Comes From 04:17 Wise Adult Response 04:54 How To Say It 05:47 Closing Encouragement
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