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Feeling Powerless During Divorce? Start Here.
One of the most brutal parts of divorce is the feeling that someone else suddenly has control over your life.
Your spouse may seem to control the money. The schedule. The kids. The pace of the divorce. Your emotional state. Maybe even whether you have a good day or a completely disastrous one.
But feeling powerless and actually being powerless are not the same thing.
In this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, Andrea sits down with former family law attorney and OurFamilyWizard Legal Liaison Nikol Sotos to talk about how to take your power back during divorce — especially when you’re dealing with a controlling or high-conflict ex.
Nikol explains that one of the biggest mistakes people make when they feel overwhelmed is giving away control without even realizing it — sometimes to their ex, and sometimes even to their own attorney. Your lawyer can advise you, protect you and help you make strategic decisions, but this is still your life.
And taking your power back does not mean becoming more aggressive.
It often means doing less.
Stop Reacting to Every Text
If your ex sends an inflammatory message designed to make you explode, the most powerful response may be no response at all — at least not immediately.
Andrea and Nikol talk about moving away from emotional reactions and toward strategic communication. Instead of firing back when your ex sends something infuriating, pause. Let your nervous system settle. Respond only to what actually requires a response.
Sometimes that response is simply:
“Thanks for the text.”
Or:
“Got it.”
Or nothing.
Because when someone is hoping to provoke you, refusing to give them the reaction they expect can change the entire dynamic.
Document Everything — Even If Your Divorce Isn’t High Conflict
Another unpopular opinion from Andrea: documenting is not just for ugly divorces.
Even an amicable divorce can change quickly.
A new partner enters the picture. Someone changes their position. A parenting disagreement escalates. Suddenly a conversation you thought everyone remembered very differently becomes important.
Nikol recommends creating a paper trail regardless of the current conflict level.
Create a separate email account for your divorce. Keep documents organized. Change passwords your spouse may know. Protect your privacy and your digital information.
And please — do not announce to your ex that you are documenting them.
Just document.
Inside the Divorce Crash Course, we also give you a timeline tool to help organize important events and information during your case.
Boundaries Are Not the Same Thing as Control
Creating boundaries during divorce can feel strange, particularly if your lives were completely intertwined for years.
Changing passwords.
Opening your own account.
Creating a separate email.
Deciding when you are available to respond.
Those actions can feel dramatic when you have never needed those boundaries before.
But boundaries are about controlling your own environment, not controlling your ex.
That distinction matters.
Taking your power back does not mean dominating the other person. It means managing what happens inside your own life, your home, your mind and your emotional world.
Make Tiny Changes When Everything Feels Out of Control
Taking back control does not always start with a huge legal decision.
Sometimes it starts absurdly small.
Walk a different route.
Order something different at Starbucks.
Change one part of your morning routine.
Do something that reminds your brain:
I still make choices.
Nikol explains that these small changes can interrupt the feeling that every part of your life is happening to you.
No, switching from half-and-half to almond milk will not change the outcome of your divorce.
But rebuilding your sense of agency in small areas can help you regulate your emotions — which can make it easier to make smarter decisions in the areas that really do matter.
Your Ex’s Emergency Is Not Always Your Emergency
You do not need to immediately answer every message.
You do not need to abandon dinner with your friends because your ex sent 17 texts.
Unless there is an actual emergency involving your children or another urgent situation, you are allowed to take time before responding.
Nikol shares the story of a woman in a long, high-conflict divorce who began feeling dramatically more in control when she finally realized she did not have to react to everything her ex threw at her.
That shift — from reacting to strategizing — is where power starts to return.
In This Episode:
- Why divorce can make even confident people feel powerless
- How fear and uncertainty affect your decision-making
- Why you shouldn’t hand your entire life over to your attorney
- How to stop reacting to inflammatory texts from your ex
- Why silence can sometimes be incredibly powerful
- How to communicate with a controlling or high-conflict ex
- Why documentation matters even in an amicable divorce
- Why you should create a separate email account for your divorce
- Changing passwords and creating digital boundaries
- The difference between setting boundaries and trying to control someone
- How small daily changes can rebuild your sense of control
- Why your ex’s urgency does not automatically become your emergency
- How OurFamilyWizard’s ToneMeter can help keep communication neutral
- How to think more strategically and less emotionally during divorce
Divorce can make you feel like your life is completely out of your hands.
It isn’t.
You may not be able to control what your ex does, what they say, how quickly the process moves or every decision made in your case.
But you can control your responses, your boundaries, your documentation, your communication and the choices you make next.
And sometimes that is exactly how you begin getting your power back.
