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What if you can see your relationship patterns clearly, but still can't seem to change them?
In this episode of Healing for Love, I'm answering a listener question from a woman who recognises some of her schemas and can see what happens to her in relationships, particularly when she freezes and loses her voice during difficult interactions.
Her bigger question is one I hear often:
Is it actually possible for me to learn new relationship patterns, or am I destined to keep repeating the same ones?
I begin the episode by sharing a beautiful update from a former client who once struggled with a strong abandonment schema and painful relationship patterns, but is now in a secure, loving relationship and has recently become a mother.
Her story is an important reminder that our schemas can have a powerful influence on our relationships, but they do not have to determine our future.
In this episode, I explore:
- Why recognising your schemas and relationship patterns is an important first step, but insight alone may not be enough to change them
- Why you might freeze or lose your voice when confronted by someone who feels dominant, critical or intimidating
- The role of the subjugation schema in the freeze response
- Why we can automatically assume we're the one who has done something wrong
- How abandonment, defectiveness, emotional deprivation and subjugation schemas can influence what we expect from relationships
- Why schemas can begin to feel like predictions about our future
- How our schemas can influence our choices and create self-fulfilling relationship patterns
- Why repeating a pattern many times doesn't mean you're incapable of changing it
- How making the unconscious conscious helps us begin to change our Love Template
One of the most important ideas I discuss in this episode is this:
Sometimes we start using the schema itself as evidence that the schema is true.
If you've experienced painful relationships repeatedly, you might start thinking:
"There's something inherently wrong with me."
"Relationships never work out for me."
"I'm never going to get the love and connection I need."
"I can't speak up. That's just who I am."
These thoughts can feel incredibly true. But schemas are learned stories and emotional templates. They are not facts about who you are, and they are not predictions of your future.
If you've been wondering whether it's really possible to break old relationship patterns and create something different, I hope this episode gives you both insight and hope.
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