Dr Emily Anhalt is an American psychologist who developed the concept of a gym for mental health after researching 100 leaders and 100 psychologists who treated leaders. From that work, she identified seven factors for assessing how emotionally "fit" we are.
That concept should get every leader's attention.
Does anyone seriously believe leadership is going to become easier, slower and less stressful? I certainly don't.
Many of us grew up in the "harden up" era. Soldier on. Suck it up. Grit your teeth and bear it. That approach may have got us through previous decades, but today's leaders operate amid vastly greater technological change, business speed, global connectivity and organisational complexity.
We spend considerable time thinking about physical fitness. Perhaps we need to start taking our emotional fitness just as seriously.
In Part One, let's look at three areas: understanding our emotional triggers and biases, recognising the emotions of others, and finding comfort in discomfort.
Why do leaders need emotional fitness?
Leaders need emotional fitness because greater business complexity and pressure place constant demands on how they respond to stress, conflict and other people. Leadership isn't becoming less stressful, so relying purely on toughness and endurance is unlikely to be enough.
Previous generations often celebrated the leader who simply pushed through every difficulty. There is certainly value in resilience, but emotional fitness requires more than enduring pressure.
Leaders influence everyone around them.
When the boss becomes angry, defensive or frustrated, the impact spreads through the team. When the leader remains composed, listens and responds thoughtfully, that behaviour also influences everyone.
The objective isn't to eliminate emotion. That would be impossible and probably undesirable.
The objective is to become more conscious of our emotional responses and more skilful in determining what happens next.
Like physical fitness, this requires practice.
Do now: Start treating your emotional responses as a leadership capability that can be deliberately strengthened rather than simply accepting, "That's just the way I am."
How can leaders identify and manage their emotional triggers?
Leaders need to recognise the "Hot Buttons" that trigger emotional reactions and learn to create a small gap between the trigger and their response. That gap can be enough to prevent an impulsive reaction becoming an unnecessary conflict.
This is familiar territory for me because I teach a course called Disagree Agreeably. We examine the triggers that get the temper rising, blood pressure pulsing and body heat climbing rapidly.
My wife assures me my temper is getting shorter as I get older. She is probably correct. There never seems to be any shortage of things capable of irritating us.
The important point is that we may not be able to prevent the irritation.
What we can work on is our response.
Rather than allowing the emotional trigger to immediately produce an emotional reaction, insert what I call a cushion.
That gives the brain a chance to catch up with the mouth.
Do now: Identify your recurring Hot Buttons. Knowing what regularly sets you off gives you a better chance of controlling what happens when someone presses one.
How can leaders stop themselves reacting emotionally in difficult conversations?
A short, neutral "cushion" statement can act as a circuit breaker between an irritating comment and the leader's response. The purpose isn't to agree with the other person; it is to buy enough time to choose a considered response.
Suppose somebody says something that immediately gets your blood boiling.
Our natural tendency may be to fire straight back.
Instead, try saying something like:
"Thank you for raising this topic. It is an important one."
That takes me about four or five seconds to say.
Those few seconds can be enormously valuable. They give me time to overrule the impulse to launch forth with the first thing that pops into my head and instead find a more considered response to whatever nonsense my interlocutor has been sprouting.
The cushion neither diminishes the issue nor inflames it.
It simply creates space.
Do now: Prepare one or two neutral cushion statements in advance so you don't have to invent them when somebody has already pushed your Hot Button.
Why should leaders try harder to understand the emotions of others?
Leaders should remember that people's behaviour may be influenced by pressures and problems we know absolutely nothing about. A little more empathy can help us respond with greater patience rather than immediately judging someone against our expectations.
There is a saying I have always liked: "Remember everyone in life is carrying a heavy load."
I was reminded of this while recovering in hospital from a near-death experience with pneumonia after spending six days in the Intensive Care Unit.
It gave me plenty of time to reflect.
One conclusion was that I should become less judgmental and less intolerant of other people.
We see wealthy, famous and prominent people who appear to possess everything, yet their lives can still be filled with difficulties. Money and status don't insulate anyone from trouble.
Their heavy load may simply look different from ours.
Do now: When somebody's behaviour irritates you, remind yourself that they may be carrying a heavy load you cannot see.
What does empathy mean for leaders in everyday situations?
Leadership empathy means allowing for the possibility that there is more behind someone's behaviour than the behaviour we can immediately observe. It doesn't mean accepting poor performance or abandoning standards.
Leaders naturally have expectations.
We expect people to behave professionally, deliver their work, communicate appropriately and honour their commitments. When they don't, frustration can arrive very quickly.
But what if we don't know the whole story?
An employee may be dealing with family problems, financial pressure, relationship difficulties or other burdens they don't want to discuss at work. A colleague who seems unusually abrupt may have something serious happening elsewhere in their life.
We don't have to become amateur psychologists or pry into everyone's private affairs.
We can simply resist immediately assuming the worst.
Remembering that "everyone in life is carrying a heavy load" creates a small mental adjustment.
That adjustment may produce a much better leadership response.
Do now: Maintain your standards, but add curiosity and empathy before jumping to conclusions about why someone is behaving as they are.
How can leaders become more comfortable with discomfort?
Comfort with discomfort develops gradually by accepting short-term difficulty in pursuit of a larger goal. We don't suddenly become comfortable with difficult situations; we progressively strengthen our ability to deal with them.
Human beings are naturally wired to avoid discomfort. Just look at the enormous number of gadgets designed to make our lives easier.
Karate offers an interesting example.
Dojo around the world can struggle to attract students because training involves discomfort. Sitting on the sofa playing video games is certainly easier.
I started Karate training when I was 17. Initially, the biggest problem wasn't discomfort. It was confusion. I wasn't coordinated enough or skilled enough to do difficult things.
As I progressed through the ranks, I became capable of increasingly complex techniques.
That was when the discomfort factor really took off.
But something else happened.
I was getting faster, stronger and better.
The improvement became worth the discomfort.
Do now: Don't try to move from zero to one hundred. Gradually expose yourself to difficult situations and build your discomfort muscle over time.
Emotional Fitness Is A Leadership Muscle
Emotional fitness isn't about becoming emotionless.
It is about becoming better at recognising what is happening inside ourselves and understanding what may be happening inside other people.
First, learn your emotional triggers.
Know your Hot Buttons and create a cushion between stimulus and response. Those four or five seconds may be all you need to stop emotion hijacking the conversation.
Second, remember that everyone is carrying a heavy load.
You may never know what is happening in someone else's life. That doesn't mean abandoning standards, but it may mean approaching people with a little more empathy and a little less immediate judgement.
Third, become comfortable with discomfort.
Like Karate training, emotional fitness develops progressively. We accept difficulty because there is something worthwhile on the other side.
Leaders already understand the importance of physical fitness. We know muscles have to be exercised if they are going to become stronger.
Our emotional muscles are no different.
And given the speed, complexity and pressures surrounding modern leadership, we are going to need them.
In Part Two, we will continue exploring emotional fitness and look at bouncing forward from failure and setbacks, expressing needs, feelings and feedback, and implementing what we have learned into daily life.
Author Bio
Dr. Greg Story, Ph.D. in Japanese Decision-Making, is President of Dale Carnegie Tokyo Training and Adjunct Professor at Griffith University. He is a two-time winner of the Dale Carnegie "One Carnegie Award" (2018, 2021) and recipient of the Griffith University Business School Outstanding Alumnus Award (2012). As a Dale Carnegie Master Trainer, Greg is certified to deliver globally across leadership, communication, sales and presentation programmes, including Leadership Training for Results.
He has written several books, including three best-sellers — Japan Business Mastery, Japan Sales Mastery, and Japan Presentations Mastery — along with Japan Leadership Mastery and How to Stop Wasting Money on Training. His works have been translated into Japanese, including Za Eigyō (ザ営業), Purezen no Tatsujin (プレゼンの達人), Torēningu de Okane o Muda ni Suru no wa Yamemashō (トレーニングでお金を無駄にするのはやめましょう), and Gendaiban "Hito o Ugokasu" Rīdā (現代版「人を動かす」リーダー).
Greg also publishes daily business insights on LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter, and hosts six weekly podcasts. On YouTube, he produces The Cutting Edge Japan Business Show, Japan Business Mastery, and Japan's Top Business Interviews, which are widely followed by executives seeking success strategies in Japan.
