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In this episode of Surviving Narcissistic Abuse with Jill Wise, we’re talking about what can happen when a narcissist realizes something has changed in you—you’re no longer confused, you’re no longer responding the way you used to, and most importantly, you’ve finally figured out the pattern.
When the strategies that once kept you compliant stop working, the narcissist may begin trying different ways to regain control. It can start with intense love bombing and promises of change. If that doesn’t work, flying monkeys may suddenly appear to convince you that you’re overreacting, everything is fine, and you simply need to go back to the way things were. From there, you may see increased provocation, gaslighting, narcissistic rage, smear campaigns, and an intense need to control the narrative.
In this episode, I break down 10 behaviors you may see when a narcissist realizes you’ve figured them out, including why they may suddenly become incredibly loving, why other people may be recruited to influence you or gather information, why your changing reactions can make them realize they are losing control, and why the smear campaign may become increasingly aggressive when their other attempts fail. We also discuss some of the more serious behaviors that can occur when an abusive relationship is ending, including financial abuse, threats and intimidation, the use of private information as leverage, stalking and post-separation abuse, legal abuse, and the ways children can sometimes be pulled into an ongoing power struggle.
Not every narcissistic person will engage in every behavior discussed in this episode, and these behaviors are not exclusive to narcissism. But understanding the larger pattern can help you recognize something incredibly important: sometimes the escalation isn’t happening because you suddenly became difficult. It’s happening because the strategies that once controlled you aren’t working anymore. And maybe that’s what “figuring them out” really means. You stopped chasing. You stopped explaining. You stopped treating every accusation like an assignment. You started paying attention to patterns instead of getting lost inside each individual incident. Maybe the old relationship isn’t working anymore because the old version of you is no longer available for the job.
CONTENT NOTE: This episode includes discussion of domestic abuse, intimidation, threats, stalking, financial abuse, coercive control, and post-separation abuse. Please listen with care and prioritize your safety if any of these subjects reflect your current situation. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or abuse in the United States, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
For additional support healing from narcissistic abuse, including private 1:1 coaching, my comprehensive narcissistic abuse recovery course, and my private recovery community, visit www.jillwise.com.
Create Harmony
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Jill Wise is a narcissistic abuse recovery coach helping survivors from all over the world break trauma bonds, heal from Complex PTSD, and rebuild their lives.
