Reach out! You don't have to explain how crazy she was. We believe you!!!
What happens when healing allows you to recognize that the relationships you once considered normal were actually harmful?
In this candid and wide-ranging conversation, Noelani sits down with licensed professional clinical counselor Sandra Fraser Maurer to explore childhood trauma, narcissistic family systems, parent-child estrangement, religious trauma, perimenopause, intergenerational trauma, and the grief of going no contact with a parent who is still alive.
Sandra shares how her earlier work as a birth doula and prenatal yoga teacher led her to become a therapist specializing in women’s health, reproductive and perinatal mental health, trauma, and mental health throughout the lifespan. She and Noelani discuss why pregnancy, parenthood, perimenopause, and other major developmental transitions can cause unresolved trauma to return to the surface.
They also examine the connection between authoritarian parenting, high-demand religion, narcissistic family structures, and adult children’s decisions to establish boundaries or end contact. Sandra explains why a healthy relationship with a partner or therapist does not “cause” estrangement. Instead, experiencing safety, emotional regulation, and respectful boundaries can help someone finally recognize how painful or abusive another relationship has been.
Together, Sandra and Noelani discuss:
- Why perimenopause can bring unresolved trauma back to the surface
- How becoming a parent can change the way someone views their childhood
- Religious trauma and the lasting effects of authoritarian parenting
- Why accountability and genuine apologies matter
- Physical punishment and the normalization of violence against children
- How trauma is passed from one generation to another
- Transactional love, entitlement, and power within family relationships
- The grief of losing a relationship with someone who is still alive
- Why adult children rarely choose no contact casually
- Enmeshment, individuation, and resistance to adult children’s independence
- How safe relationships can reveal previously normalized abuse
- The similarities between controlling family systems and broader authoritarian systems
- Racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and the ethical responsibilities of therapists
- How healing can help individuals and communities choose a different path
This conversation is honest, fiery, compassionate, and ultimately hopeful. Healing does not require pretending the harm never happened. It requires telling the truth, developing healthier relationships, interrupting generational patterns, and deciding that trauma will no longer be passed through another person’s body.
Books Mentioned
Connect With Sandra
Sandra Fraser Maurer, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
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