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Men Hurt Too: A Son’s Story of Childhood Trauma, Narcissistic Parents, No Contact, and the Courage to Heal
⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains discussions of childhood emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, narcissistic parental abuse, family violence, homophobia, suicidal thoughts and attempts, and family estrangement. Some content may be emotionally difficult for survivors. Please listen with care and take breaks when needed.
If you or someone you love is struggling or in crisis, call or text 988 in the United States for free, confidential support.
Episode Description
Men hurt too. Men experience childhood trauma. Men survive narcissistic parents. And men deserve the space, support, and compassion to heal.
What happens when the person who is supposed to protect you becomes the person you fear most? What happens when your childhood home is never a place where you feel safe?
In this deeply personal episode of Beyond Mommy Dearest, Noelani welcomes John, known on social media as I Just Love Cheese, for an honest, emotional, and sometimes heartbreaking conversation about growing up with an abusive mother, an emotionally unavailable father, and the lifelong impact of childhood trauma.
John remembers visiting friends' homes and being confused by something many children take for granted: parents who laughed with their kids, listened to them, and made them feel safe. At his own house, he walked on eggshells, suppressed his emotions, and learned to believe the cruel things his mother repeatedly told him.
To outsiders, his mother appeared kind, welcoming, and loving. Behind closed doors, John experienced a very different reality.
And like so many survivors of narcissistic parental abuse, he spent years questioning himself instead of questioning the people hurting him.
John also courageously shares his experiences with childhood sexual abuse, the painful process of recognizing what happened to him, and the lack of emotional support he received when he eventually disclosed his experiences to his father.
He discusses growing up in a family where being gay was condemned, finding the courage to come out during family therapy, and the rejection he experienced afterward.
But this conversation is about more than what happened to John.
It's about what happened when he finally decided that his parents' inability to love him in a healthy way did not determine his worth.
After years of trying to earn his mother's acknowledgment, John gave her three opportunities to recognize the harm she caused. He wasn't initially asking for a perfect apology. He simply wanted her to listen.
When that acknowledgment never came, he made the difficult decision to go no contact.
Now, nearly two years into estrangement, John shares something he never imagined he would be able to say: He's never been happier.
That doesn't mean he never gets angry. It doesn't mean the memories disappear or that healing happens overnight. It means he's finally learning to live without constantly seeking the approval of the people who hurt him.
Together, Noelani and John explore the complicated emotions of loving parents you cannot safely maintain relationships with, the guilt that can accompany estrangement, and the importance of finding trauma-informed mental health support.
They also discuss something that deserves far more attention: the experiences of men who survive narcissistic mothers and abusive family systems.
Too often, men are taught to suppress their emotions, remain strong, and handle their pain privately. John's willingness to speak openly challenges those expectations and reminds other survivors that vulnerability is not weakness.
In This Episode, We Discuss:
- Growing up with a narcissistic mother: How emotional abuse, intimidation, criticism, and unpredictable behavior shaped John's childhood.
- When a house doesn't feel like home: The difference between having somewhere to live and having somewhere you feel emotionally safe.
- The public versus private parent: Why abusive parents can appear loving and charming to outsiders while treating their children very differently.
- The lasting impact of childhood criticism: How repeatedly being called stupid or worthless can shape self-esteem and adult identity.
- Childhood sexual abuse: John's experience, his later recollection of the abuse, and the importance of listening to survivors.
- Growing up gay in an unsupportive family: The emotional impact of rejection and the importance of affirming environments.
- Emotionally unavailable fathers: The additional pain of having a parent who fails to recognize or respond to abuse.
- Why survivors stay: The guilt, obligation, hope, and love that can keep adult children connected to harmful family relationships.
- Going no contact with a parent: Why John eventually ended contact with his mother after repeatedly seeking acknowledgment.
- Finding the right therapist: How trauma-informed support can help survivors recognize unhealthy patterns and reclaim their identities.
- Breaking generational cycles: Recognizing when learned behaviors are hurting ourselves or others and choosing a different path.
- Men and emotional healing: Why male survivors need community, understanding, and permission to speak openly about trauma.
- Learning to parent yourself: Replacing the critical voice of an abusive parent with compassion, encouragement, and self-acceptance.
Healing Doesn't Require Their Permission
One of the most powerful parts of this conversation is John's realization that he could not make his mother understand what she had done.
He could explain. He could provide examples. He could offer opportunities to listen. But he could not force her to acknowledge his experiences.
And eventually, he realized that continuing to seek her approval was costing him his own happiness.
Healing didn't begin because his mother changed.
Healing became possible when John stopped making his well-being dependent on her changing.
John describes learning to recognize his accomplishments, offer himself encouragement, and feel proud of the person he is becoming.
For someone who grew up believing he was never good enough, those moments of self-compassion represent extraordinary progress.
And perhaps one of the most important reminders from this episode is that you can love your parents and still recognize that maintaining a relationship with them is harmful.
You can understand that they experienced trauma without excusing the trauma they inflicted.
You can grieve the parents you needed while accepting the parents you actually had.
And you can choose a different future.
Why Men's Stories Matter
At Beyond Mommy Dearest, we believe conversations about narcissistic abuse and childhood trauma must include men's experiences.
Sons of narcissistic mothers can experience emotional manipulation, shame, rejection, parentification, and lifelong struggles with self-worth.
Yet their stories are often missing from public conversations about family abuse and recovery.
John's vulnerability helps challenge the idea that men should simply move on, toughen up, or keep their childhood experiences to themselves.
Men deserve to be believed. Men deserve support. Men deserve to heal.
And no survivor should have to carry their experiences alone.
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