I asked a client if he wanted to do a scene with me. He immediately said yes, and then his whole body clenched up. I asked again, are you sure, are you really really sure? Yes, let's do it. Everything about him was screaming no, and I still went ahead with it. Spoiler alert, it sucked.
Because if I can't trust your no, I can't trust your yes.
In the last episode I told you I hate people pleasing nice guys, and that most of my clients happen to be people pleasing nice guys who I absolutely adore. Today we're building on that. I want to talk about why I see people pleasing so much in men who long to surrender, and why healing those wounds is crucial if you want to fully release into the healthy, euphoric bliss of it.
We get into why serving feels so good, the three phases I move through when a pleaser comes to work with me, and why I want every pleaser to explore taking charge. I walk you through what a healthy experience looks like and what a frenzied one looks like, then tell you the whole story of the client who finally looked me in the eye and said no. Plus a third practice that might make your skin crawl, and Thomas, who found his spine in Hebrew.
✦ BOOK AN INITIATION SESSION
I'm currently taking clients. If you're excited to work with me in person but you don't live in Boulder, I offer full-day and multi-day intensives for out-of-town clients.
→ https://www.soulkink.com/services/
✦ BE A GUEST ON SOUL KINK THERAPY
Kinky and curious? Apply to be a guest and get a free therapeutic session with me, a $300 value. Experts whose work touches the therapeutic side of kink, and partners trying to understand their partner's kinks, are welcome too. I only want guests who are a full-body yes.
→ https://www.soulkink.com/podcast
📖 Mentioned in this episode
Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott
Part 1: Episode 35 → [E35 LINK]
Hear Thomas tell it himself: "Coming Out Kinky: Finding Freedom After Divorce" → [THOMAS EPISODE LINK]
⏱ CHAPTERS
00:00 He said yes. His body said no.
01:13 Part 2: people pleasing and surrender
02:12 Two different journeys
03:36 Why serving feels so good
04:45 "I can prove men aren't bad"
05:34 Where kink comes from
06:18 When you share your desire and get the ick
07:27 The three phases of the work
08:52 Why every pleaser should explore taking charge
11:02 What a healthy experience looks like
12:21 "Whatever you want, I want" isn't negotiation
12:52 Selfish is your medicine
13:20 The feelings chart
14:25 Safe words: yellow isn't failure
15:39 Feeding off each other
16:08 Learning to receive care
16:36 The frenzied people pleaser
17:17 Mark's story
20:20 What happened to me afterwards
21:14 "I can't trust you"
22:47 His first no
23:51 When you say no, I feel closer to you
24:15 Existential Kink: the juice in martyrdom
25:10 Kink purifies your pleasing
25:40 Don't make kink a better target for your pleasing
26:00 Practices 1 and 2: pause, then shape your yes
26:45 Practice 3: five minutes of no
28:50 Thomas's story
31:08 The plot twist
32:10 "Do it in Hebrew"
34:10 All of your parts are welcome
34:59 Work with me: sessions and intensives
35:49 Be a guest on the show
#PeoplePleasing #NiceGuySyndrome #Boundaries
