I hate people pleasing nice guys. And most of my clients are people pleasing nice guys, and I deeply love them. So what's the difference between the nice guy who makes me want to scream and the one I'll do anything to help?
In this episode I tell you about the man who stopped me at an event, looked deep into my eyes and told me "you are so worthy," and why everything in me wanted to run. We get into what Robert Glover calls covert contracts: the deals you make without saying them out loud. I'll be helpful, I'll never cause trouble, and in return you'll love me and meet my needs. Nobody signed your contract. So nobody pays up, and you end up resentful and lonely.
I also get honest about why people pleasers activate me so much (it's my mom), where this pattern comes from, and what recovery actually looks like. Two things you can try this week, plus the gold medal answer every people pleaser needs to learn.
If any of my questions made your stomach drop, I'm probably talking to you.
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Kinky and curious? A practitioner in this world? A partner trying to understand your partner's kink? I want to hear from you. Only full, grounded yeses.
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📖 Mentioned in this episode
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover (2003)
⏱ CHAPTERS
00:00 I hate people pleasing nice guys
00:45 Choice vs. fear: same behavior, different engine
01:30 People pleasing vs. the nice guy
02:31 Are you a people pleaser? Notice your body
04:07 The man who told me "you are so worthy"
07:14 Covert contracts (No More Mr. Nice Guy)
08:45 You're taking away other people's agency
10:16 It hurts you more than anyone
11:28 Why people pleasing is so lonely
12:13 We don't see a wound, we see a gentleman
13:14 Why people pleasers activate me
14:35 My mom is a people pleaser
17:21 Where the pattern comes from
18:08 You were a genius surviving your childhood
18:52 What recovery actually looks like
20:05 You made a mistake. You are not the mistake.
20:57 How to apologize without collapsing
22:20 Happy wife, happy life
23:22 Try this week #1: pause before you say yes
25:03 Try this week #2: shape your yes
26:07 The gold medal answer
27:47 Why my client list is full of nice guys
30:41 Where to start
32:35 Next episode: people pleasing and submissive men
33:06 Be a guest on the show
