What happens when the patterns that were formed to keep you safe, start keeping you stuck?
In this episode, I’m joined by therapist, researcher, educator, and writer Dr. Trisha Wolfe for a conversation about identifying and working with the protective patterns we develop throughout our lives.
We talk about how patterns like people-pleasing, perfectionism, intellectualization, hypervigilance, and chronic bracing don’t come out of nowhere. They’re often incredibly adaptive strategies our brains learned because, at some point, we needed them to keep us safe.
The challenge is that the patterns that once protected us can eventually become the patterns that keep us stuck.
And simply understanding why you have these patterns isn’t usually enough to change them.
In this episode, we talk about:
- What implicit learnings are and how they shape the way we move through the world
- Why you don’t have to identify as having experienced “trauma” to have protective patterns from earlier experiences
- How people-pleasing, perfectionism, and intellectualization can develop as ways of creating safety
- How these patterns can show up in the body through chronic bracing, tension, and physical symptoms
- Why trying to observe yourself with curiosity can sometimes bring up judgment and shame
- The difference between understanding your patterns intellectually and actually creating change
- Why changing old protective patterns can feel uncomfortable, even when the change is good for us
- How our identity can become wrapped up in the strategies we developed to keep ourselves safe
- Why healing isn’t about getting rid of your protective parts
- What a disconfirming experience actually is, and why it doesn’t require your pain to immediately go away or someone else to respond the way you hoped they would
- How showing up for yourself differently can begin to teach your nervous system something new
One of the most important pieces of this conversation is that the goal isn’t to convince your protective parts to disappear.
It’s to give your nervous system new experiences that show it:
I can feel discomfort and still be okay.
I can set a boundary and have my own back no matter how someone responds.
I can stop bracing for every possible outcome and trust myself to respond to what actually happens.
Over time, these new experiences can begin to update what your nervous system believes it needs to protect you from, so the patterns that once kept you safe no longer have to run the show.
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Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
