A listener overhears her husband telling a room full of men he wishes she would lose weight, because he “didn’t sign up for a fat wife”. She says nothing until they get home. He turns on her for eavesdropping, then collapses into how much he hates himself, and she ends the night comforting him. Four weeks later he does it again while she is cooking dinner, and adds that she is going to make the children fat too. She has written in asking whether she is being oversensitive, because she has put on weight, and because he says he is only worried about her.
In this episode Helen works through what is actually happening in that pattern: why being overheard is not eavesdropping, why “I didn’t sign up for a fat wife” is a punchline rather than concern, and why a sorry that arrives after the anger has failed is doing the same job the anger was doing.
Covered in this episode:
Deflection, or what is colloquially called DARVO, and how it moves the argument onto you
Compassionate empathy, and how your own empathy gets turned into the thing that silences you
Intermittent reinforcement, also called breadcrumbing, and why “he isn’t like that all the time” is a description of the mechanism rather than a defence
Moral justification, and the test that separates real concern from a licence to criticise
What an apology is actually worth, where intent matters, and what repair looks like when someone genuinely slips
Why “oversensitive” is a change of subject, and who has no business deciding the size of your hurt
The peacekeeper role, weaponised incompetence, and the cost of keeping someone else’s peace
Four questions to ask yourself if you are not sure whether you are self-invalidating
Helen covers DARVO and how to respond to it in more depth in episode 1 of Is This A Thing?, the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or to Foundation tier and above members of The Hub.
Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening.
Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/
The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubAperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.uk
If anything in this episode is close to home and you need support in the UK, Refuge runs a 24 hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, and Men’s Advice Line is on 0808 801 0327. In an emergency, always 999.
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