When your wife says she “doesn’t feel safe,” it might sound like an accusation. What does that even mean, and how is it your fault when you’ve worked hard to provide? In this team episode, Marijke, Zac and I unpack what safety actually means for women and for men, why it affects desire, and how two people who love each other end up feeling unsafe with the one person who’s meant to be home. 👉 Book online sessions with Zac or Marijke: https://laurahow.com/online-therapists/
In this episode, we discuss:
✔️ Why women carry a constant, low-level scan for safety — and how it follows them into the bedroom
✔️ “Diffuse awareness” vs single focus — why a loud, messy, overwhelming environment can switch desire off
✔️ How men signal stress as aggression or brooding — and why it can feel frightening even when nothing is wrong
✔️ The archetypal homecoming row — “What’s wrong with you?” — and the argument that ends any chance of sex
✔️ Why women read men better than men read themselves — and the energy you carry through the door
✔️ What men actually hear in “I don’t feel safe” — and why it lands like an attack
✔️ Gottman’s love map — why sharing your day is for the relationship, not just for you
✔️ Pokes vs strokes — and the five-to-one ratio that keeps a marriage warm
✔️ The power of specific praise — and why “you’re amazing” means nothing
✔️ “I love you” vs “Do you like me?” — the question that changes everything
✔️ The double bind of wanting to feel liked while withholding the very thing he needs
✔️ Laying down the sword — why real intimacy takes courage, vulnerability and surrender
We record this monthly — we’d love to hear from you.
👉 Leave your questions in the comments for the next episode.
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💠 Therapists — Work with me: https://laurahow.com/work-for-me/
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⌚️ Timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
00:14 What Does Safety Mean in a Relationship?
00:39 Why Women Experience Safety Differently
02:51 How Men Express Unhappiness (And Why It Feels Unsafe)
04:35 Women's Emotional Radar — An Evolutionary Advantage
06:18 The Jumper Story: A Case Study in Miscommunication
09:05 The Core Difference: Sex vs. Emotional Connection
11:28 The Power of Specific Compliments
13:34 The Double Bind: Withholding Sex & Affection
15:19 Why Women Can't "Just Switch Off" Their Minds
17:47 The Beautiful Potential: What Men & Women Teach Each Other
20:47 Laying Down the Sword — The Courage of Vulnerability
22:45 Changing Deep-Seated Patterns Takes Real Work
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📌 Hashtags #SexlessMarriage #EmotionalSafety #MarriageAdvice #CouplesTherapy #RelationshipAdvice #MarriageCounselling #IntimacyInMarriage #LauraHow #FeelingSafe #LoveAndCherishPodcast
