I’m answering a few questions about love, desire, affairs, and obsession. I start with a question about losing desire for a husband after having an affair and whether that desire can actually come back. My answer is yes - but I don’t think getting the old desire back should be the goal. Sometimes the relationship we had has died, and the work is to create something new instead.
I also talk about why affairs can make desire especially confusing, how an affair can awaken a version of ourselves that we haven't felt in a long time, and why that version of us doesn't necessarily belong to the person we had the affair with. Then I get into what happens when couples try to repair after infidelity but accidentally allow the affair to become the relationship.
Finally, I talk about obsession and how to tell the difference between obsession and love. Sometimes the person we can't stop thinking about isn't the love of our life - they're the person who created the most uncertainty in our life.
I talk about:
Why getting the old desire back shouldn't necessarily be the goal.
Why you may need to create a new relationship instead of recreating the old one.
Why comparing marital desire to affair desire isn't a fair comparison.
What an affair can awaken in us beyond the other person.
Why sometimes we're craving the version of ourselves we got to be around someone.
How couples can rebuild desire together after infidelity.
Why making the entire relationship about the affair can prevent real repair.
When transparency becomes surveillance instead of rebuilding trust.
Why love should expand your world while obsession tends to shrink it.
How uncertainty and intermittent reinforcement can make someone feel impossible to let go of.
Why we can become obsessed with a version of someone we've created from incomplete information.
How to separate what actually happened from what we imagined could happen.
Why letting go can mean surrendering the ending we hoped someone would give us.
Link to the challenge: https://nas.com/therapist-membership-qa-space/challenges/300-hundred-questions-in-30-days
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